Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Empty Places

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Empty Places

Hospital. Poor one-eyed Xander lies in a hospital bed. I guess the old adage that masturbation will make you blind is true after all. Imagine what might have happened if he had been able to finish the job. Willow sits beside him and holds his hand as Buffy gingerly steps around the subject at hand, saying that he'll notice some bruising around the "area." She nervously goes on to report what he can expect from the medications they have him on. You see, Buffy is all emotionally shut off. We're probably supposed to think it's because she feels immensely guilty about Xander's injury, but between you and me I think she's just an emotionally shriveled bitch. Buffy says that "I think we're all caught up then," like she's ending some sort of business meeting instead of visiting the bedside of her recently wounded comrade-in-arms, and reaches for the stack of files that Willow brought. Willow is confused, because "there were going to be card games." Buffy pleads her excuse about being close to a breakthrough. Willow is upset with this decision, but Xander lets Buffy off with an "I might see you tonight. Without depth perception, of course." Man, tell me about it. Before I got my glasses, I was frizicking blind in one eye for a few years, and man, did my pool game suck. Willow tries to make with the funny and suggests they order some "cherry-flavored off-brand gelatin." "I'm gonna need a parrot," interrupts Xander. It's the accessory of the season for an eye patch. Willow suggests that he look into getting a peg-leg a well. "Oh, you know what the best part is?" jokes Xander. "No one will EVER make me watch Jaws 3D again." Oh, wait. That wasn't a joke at all. Jaws 3D really, really sucks. Willow tries to play along, but her breathing gets ragged and she starts to tear up. She grabs his hand hard. "Don't, Willow," begs Xander. "Please don't." Willow bites back her tears, and they sit in silence for a moment. Aw. Was that a Scooby moment? Blink and you'll miss 'em.

In the basement at Casa Summers, Anya and Andrew are giving an informational presentation to the collected Junior Misses. Anya is telling everyone an oh-so-vital piece of intel, namely that the "Übervamps are hard to kill." Andrew writes "Übervamps are hard to kill" on the whiteboard." He doesn't use an umlaut. My soul screams. Anya tries to rally some enthusiasm, saying that new information from her contacts reveals that they can indeed be staked through the heart. Either Anya is deliberately misinforming the girls, or her contact didn't see "Bring On The Night." Or -- and I can't even believe that I'm going to suggest this -- the writers themselves goofed up. I KNOW. Perish the thought, huh? Next bit of info: although the Übies are so very stake-able, they've all been doing those Pecs of Steel videos fanatically (it's so hard to get good workout tapes in the underworld. All they've really got are those Alyssa Milano ones from the '80s), and therefore it takes quite a jab to do the job. Anya concludes, "But you guys are all super-strong, right?" I swear, that question was taken directly from the writers' roundtable, as everyone but the writers of this show seems to remember the Junior Misses do not, in fact, have plus four to hit against undead yet. Rona breaks in to say that at this point she's more afraid of Father Insert Witty Name Here than the übervamps they haven't even seen in the last ten episodes. "Why bother," glums Millie. "Nothing works, nothing will." Oh, Millie! Don't be a pain-bow! Anya loses what little composure she has and tells the group that she personally would rather be with Xander right now. And probably would be too, "if not for a certain awkward discussion he and I recently had right over there on that cot, immediately following some exciting and unexpected break-up sex." Andrew dutifully writes "break-up sex" on the board while the Junior Misses who were seated on said cot find some new seats. "But I need to give him some space…so I'm contributing all I can and so will all of you. You can't stop just because something else is trying to kill you too." Anyone feeling inspired yet?

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer

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