Buffy the Vampire Slayer
First Date

Episode Report Card
Ace: C | Grade It Now!
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More like "last date"

Later, at Sunnydale High. Stealth-bitch Buffy walks into Principal Wood's office and shuts the door behind her. She looks through a few folders on his desk and then asks herself, "Now if I were a sign of being evil, where would I be?" Take a look into your selfish, shriveled, black heart, Buffy. She looks around the room and spots a large cupboard. Just as she's about to open it, Wood walks into the room. It being his office and all. Buffy pretends she was looking for office supplies, and Wood points out that the supply cabinet is in the outer office. Mmmmm, office supplies. We have a supply cupboard at my work, but I actually buy most of my supplies out of my own pocket so I can have all the purple stickie notes, black glitter pens, metallic push-pins, and colored paper clips I so desperately need to get through each tedious day. I even found colored staples at the Container Store last fall! And…um. That's probably enough revealing, geeky details about me. Buffy's about to leave and Wood smoothly asks her, "What are you doing tonight?" Buffy claims she'll be preparing for tomorrow's work, and Wood says, "No, really." Hee. He wants to take her out to dinner and then giggles nervously as he tries to make it clear that the invitation is not some sort of sexual harassment "do this to keep your job" thing. Buffy says she'd be happy accept, and walks out. He closes the door behind her and then reaches into the inside pocket of his suit. He draws out a dagger wrapped in a handkerchief and stained with fresh blood.. An electric piano plinks the theme "What Is Up With Principal Wood?" as he wipes off the dagger (heh, I totally expected him to lick it) and opens the cupboard Buffy almost opened earlier. Behind the cupboard doors is an innocuous whiteboard. However, that rolls upward to reveal an impressive weapon collection, hung on pins against a red background. We all knew Wood would have an impressive weapon…collection, didn't we? He hangs the dagger in its place. The electric violin of "No, Really. What's Up With Wood?" screeches us into commercials.

Buffy sits on the sofa at Casa Summers as Willow folds laundry. They're discussing possible motivations for Wood's invitation to dinner, and Buffy thinks that she might be getting a promotion. Willow cackles in disbelief, but then tries to take the suggestion seriously off Buffy's hurt look. Buffy's also worried that possibly the principal is evil and is taking her out to kill her. We can only hope. She's not sure that he's very suspicious, but thinks that being "on the Hellmouth, all day, every day" is like being "showered by evil, only from underneath." She refines her theory: "Like a bidet! A bidet of evil." This is the girl who went to that very high school for three years? Somehow she and Giles managed to survive the warm jets of evil gushing on their asses without turning (too) bad, so what's she nattering on about? I have to admit, I did laugh at that line before I thought about the improbability of it, because I do find bidets to be mysterious and possibly sinister objects. In 2001, I spent three weeks in Spain, and every single hotel room we stayed in had a bidet. I'm the type that runs into the hotel room and right off tries out the bed, opens all the cupboards, looks in all the drawers, fetches ice, reads the room service menu if there is one, and generally otherwise investigates all the amenities of the room. But in those three weeks of daily exposure, I never once tried one of those many, many bidets. There's no seat and they're really low, which means employing squatting muscles I just don't have, plus then you just end up all soppy with strained quads, right? A few years ago, I did have an involuntary bidet-like experience with one of those Japanese high-tech toilets, though. The padded, electronically warmed seat was nice, and the arm rests with many tiny buttons were intriguing. Wondering "What does this button do?" was a mistake, though, because the answer was "Spray your entire ass with hot, soapy water." And that was enough foreign toilet-experimentation for me. Although it was still infinitely preferable to sitting through this season of Buffy, I have to say.

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer

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