Xander enters Spike's darkened crypt, ignoring the "If this crypt's a rockin', don't come a knockin'" sign. He takes in the scene, everything all rumble-tumble knocked over. Moaning. Pan across the lower area of Spike's lair to Spike, furiously thrusting into what appears to be nothing but is actually OVOB. Aaaaand that's pretty much the last thing I needed to see today. Thank god I was almost blinded by the flashing neon "Live! Nude! Spike!" sign that appears every Tuesday around 8 PM. Xander, taken aback, wants to know what Spike is doing. Spike is momentarily flummoxed, but then claims to be "exercising." He raises himself up and does a few "pushups" while OVOB squeals. And I know that a lot of the people on the forums want to believe that Spike is blessed with many great and admirable traits, up to and including a magical restorative penis that cures people of sexual repression, but I seriously doubt his equipment is that long. He would have, uh, slipped out. Sorry to be so graphic, but I figure there's nothing I can say here that will be worse than the spectacle of Spike thrusting and humping at thin air. Xander's remaining three brain cells tell him that he should be skeptical of Spike's claims, but he wisely decides that pursuing that train of thought any further will only bring him pain and misery. Instead, he informs Spike that he's looking for Buffy. By this time, Spike is sitting on the edge of the bed, sheet wrapped modestly around his nether regions, while he twitches as OVOB tickles his earlobe and other choice bits. He haltingly tells Xander that if he sees Buffy, he'll send her Xander's way, as he swats at OVOB. Xander turns to leave after recommending that, "all joking aside," Spike should find himself a girlfriend. Oh. So I guess Xander thinks that Spike's twitching and swatting routine was just a joke? Because the first thing that comes to my mind when I think of vampires is their world-famous reputation for a good practical joke. That's pretty stupid. But I guess it's not as stupid as Xander not noticing that something fishy was going on. After Xander's departure, Spike snits, "That was bloody stupid" in the direction of the bed as OVOB says something from Aruba. I think I can make out congo drums in the background. Spike grabs a drink and talks to himself as he tells OVOB that she needs to leave because "if [he] can't have all of [her] " Beat. Looks down. "Hey, that's cheating." Sigh. I dozed off for a second there. Did I miss the point of this spurious Spuffy sex? No point, other than to distract the viewers from the craptastic nature of tonight's episode by dangling a mostly naked James Marsters in front of us? Got it.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Episode Report CardSep: C- | 1180 USERS: C+
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Buffy the Vampire Slayer