Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Gone

Episode Report Card
Sep: D+ | 3 USERS: A-
YOU GRADE IT
The Unbearable Lightness of Buffy

WARNING: This recap contains bile. Bile is a corrosive and caustic substance. Please avoid recap if you have sensitive skin. To perform a patch test, apply a small amount to the inside of your elbow and watch for 24 hours. If no negative reactions occur, you may continue.

I'd just like to say that I've had a pretty darn awful day. It appears that all of my major appliances are trying to oust me in some sort of bloodless coup. I woke up this morning and went to start my car. My car would not start. Okay. Fine. Not the best start to my day, but I finally get it going and drop it off at the garage. The verdict? A new starter, and they found that two of my tires are cracked and need to be replaced. So sorry, they're over the warranty by one. Forking. Month. Back at home, I'm ready to settle into a big comforting breakfast. So I open the fridge to find that at some point during the night my fridge had some sort of mid-life crisis and decided that it doesn't want to be a fridge anymore so much as a big, hulking, useless metal eyesore. The few hundred dollars of groceries I had bought just yesterday? Spoiling. Since then I've been trying to eat as much of my food as possible so I won't feel like I threw scads of money out the window. I managed to choke down half a pound of roast beef, half a block of cheddar cheese, a quart or so of tangerine juice, an entire salad-in-a-bag salad, an enchilada casserole, a head of bok choy, a bag of baby carrots, three yogurts, and an entire package of smoked salmon. That's like 7,000 spite calories. As you can imagine, before this episode even started I was already bloated and slightly ill.

Previously on Buffy: Spike and Buffy grimace together, but Buffy claimed to be sickened at herself. Hop-headed Will took Dawn perambulating on the pathetic side and then had a little accident. Everybody was all disgusted with Willow, who promised she wouldn't do any more spells. The three stooges stole a big fat diamond.

Summers house. Buffy and Dawn are clearing Willow's room of magical equipment and tools. Dawn whines that Buffy is disposing of harmless candles, but Buffy explains that "to witches, they're like bongs." And to Spike, they're sexual aids. This show has gotten rather candle-centric lately. I think it's an elaborate and extended metaphor about how Joss is burning the candle at both ends with all his frivolous little side projects, and therefore Buffy is suffering a wretched drop in quality. Or maybe it's a theme about this show's quality being a candle in the wind. Hmmm. Like the way Buffy talks so cavalierly about bongs in front of Dawn, yet feels she's too young to do research with the gang or drink coffee. Willow is sitting in her bed, glumly watching the disposal, and tells Buffy to remove a few crystals from the bedside table. Buffy's hair looks really long, and I think she's wearing the same wig she was wearing when she came back from the dead. Downstairs, Buffy wants Dawn to pack up a "fertility god" statue, which occasions more high-pitched whinging from Dawn, as it belonged to her mother. Flinging pillows from the sofa, Buffy tries to explain, "Any reminder of what it is that [Willow's] trying to stay away from could cause her to give in to temptation." She pauses when she finds a lighter (Spike's, duh) in the sofa and realizes that (gasp!) the words she speaks could equally well apply to herself. Because we weren't already beaten with that stick enough during "Wrecked." As she fingers the lighter, she flashes back to house-smashing activities with a certain undead guy. She tosses the lighter in a box of stuff they're getting rid of.

Close-up of a large plastic prop, which looks more like one of the vintage glass doorknobs from my apartment but shall henceforth be referred to as "the diamond." Warren, in his basement lair, drops the diamond into a large setting on the top of a machine in front of him. He's quietly pleased that the mechanism is done, but Andrew and Jonathan step into view to criticize the industrial design. They'd pictured something "more ILM, less Ed Wood." All in a snit, Warren grabs up the gun-shaped machine and says he'll show them "cool." He aims the gun at a nearby chair; an orangey bolt of energy shoots out, and the chair disappears. Jonathan and Andrew are mighty impressed, and Jonathan even dares to sit on the invisichair. Based on the way my cat can disappear at will, I'm thinking that she has an invisiray too. Warren says the test is only half over, changes a setting on the invisiray, and fires again. The chair reappears under Jonathan, who cowers in fear. "Oh, cheer up, Frodo," snarks Warren, explaining that the invisiray makes them "pretty much unstoppable." If a Sep snores in her apartment and no one is there to hear her, does she still make a sound? Unstoppable, eh? What is wrong with these eejits? So far we've seen the LoD summon demons, build super-efficient cyborg killing machines, control time, and make reality loop back on itself. You can bet dollars to donuts that if I had even one of those skills myself, I would rule the world, or at least my podunk home town, with a tiny iron fist.

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer

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