So. The groin bumping is interrupted by Xander, arriving to take Dawn to school (which would make it Xander's fault that Dawn is late, correct?). He tells Spike to give up on getting together with Buffy, that "only a complete loser would hook up with [Spike]." Well, Buffy's your loser then, Xander. Bristling a tiny bit at being indirectly called names, Buffy hurries Xander out to the front hall to get Dawn. As Dawn sneers that she hopes Buffy might find time that afternoon to "get [her] into another car accident," they open the front door to find a stranger on the doorstep. She introduces herself as "Doris Kroger, from Social Services," and says she had an appointment to meet with Buffy. Buffy had forgotten, but sends Dawn off to school and asks Doris inside.
Ruh roh! Doris finds Spike lounging all snottily in the living room. He wants to know if he and Buffy are going to finish their conversation, but she tells him it's not a good time. Spike doesn't take the hint (too busy being a punk-ass loser) and continues his snotty lounging until Buffy pointedly tells him that Doris is from Social Services. He then attempts to "help" by noting that Buffy is a good mom -- so good that she disallowed Dawn from hanging out too much in his "crypt." What a dunce. Buffy then gets all frantic trying to explain that he actually said "crib." I suppose this is comedy. I'm not laughing. Buffy again tries to get Spike to leave, but Doris thinks that Spike must sleep in the house since he took his blanket when he left. A painful moment follows when Buffy lies that only she and Dawn live in the house, and then Willow calls downstairs and Buffy has to admit that Will lives there too. Then Doris assumes they're in a lesbian relationship. Oh, for god's sake -- I think Social Services allows you to have roommates, and obviously the house is large enough to have multiple bedrooms. 'Sides, if Willow's been there since last May, Social Services would already know about it. More uncovering of Buffy's unconventional parenting follows in the form of a suspicious baggie of sage; Doris says she's "seen enough." She then informs Buffy that Dawn's grades are dropping, mostly because she's frequently absent and tardy, and Social Services is not convinced that Buffy is providing a proper home. Doris wants to put Buffy on probation, meaning that if the situation doesn't improve, Buffy will be stripped of her guardianship. Maybe the monks set the bar too high with the grades they cooked up for Dawn? It's possible she's just not smart enough to live up to the promise they magicked up for her. Doris snits off, and Buffy sighs. Spike's still in the house, and he attempts to offer sympathy, but Buffy shouts at him to leave. Instead, he approaches her swiftly and digs deep into her front pants pocket. He pulls out his lighter (I thought that went into the box?) and finally leaves with "So long, Goldilocks." Buffy sulks a little and then rushes into her room. She looks into the mirror, then grabs a pair of scissors and begins to chop off hanks of her hair. And this is why I hide all of my scissors. It's prevention rather than disorganization. Oh, wait. I get my hair cut to look like a rat's nest on purpose.