Cut to Anya working on her vows, with a slightly disinterested Tara sitting at the couch providing feedback. Tara wisely counsels Anya against the inclusion of "sex poodle" in her matrimony acceptance speech.
Anya overhears the music as Buffy pokes her head in to tell Anya that it's showtime. But Buffy is suddenly pulled out into the hall by a distraught Willow, who tells her that Xander has up and left. TV weddings have ruined matrimony for me! If I ever do decide to get married, I'm going to wake my intended up in the middle of the night and smuggle him onto a plane to Vegas so he won't have the chance to leave me at the altar, or think up hokey personalized vows, or humiliate me with inappropriate family behavior. Hmm. I think that's cue for a commercial.
More hedgehogs! Animal Planet should have a half-hour show based on these Nintendo commercials. What? It would be better than hours of back-to-back America's Funniest Animals.
Willow tells Buffy that she's going to look for Xander; Buffy is assigned the unenviable task of stalling the guests and participants. First order of business is to convince Anya that the minister is also a doctor and had to "perform an emergency C-section." This of course makes him "half minister and half doctor" and thus a minitor, but not a Minotaur, as he has "no bull parts whatsoever." Unlike this huge line that Buffy is feeding Anya. Anya turns back to the mirror to futz with her veil and work on her vows, and Buffy leaves to go stall the guests. Anya turns to Tara with the last version of her vows, which are very sweet and touching (or so people tell me; I haven't had the heart to sit through them again). "So I get it now. I finally get love, Xander. I really do," she finishes. Except she really actually won't, because Xander dumps her ass at the altar. As she talks about her love, sad Xander walks the streets of Sunnydale in the rain.
The guests are restless in their seats. Carol's daughter complains that she is bored. Carol snits, "It's a wedding, honey. We're all bored." Ha! Buffy rushes up the aisle, but stops in confusion as the musicians prematurely orchestrate the wedding march. She throws them a "cut it out" sign and goes up to tell the minister what the what is. Smiling broadly at the assembled, Buffy goes back down the aisle, and the stupid orchestra plays the recessional despite the fact that no wedding has, as of yet, taken place and therefore there is nothing to recess from. Mr. Harris gets up to keep the bar company, and the guests all shrug in confusion.