Buffy the Vampire Slayer
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Alex Richmond: D+ | 1 USERS: C+
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She's gonna die. Believe it.

Buffy's house. Buffy, Willow, and Xander are giving the I-Book a workout, doing internet research on Azura. I guess it's easier to search her school records online than to look through the files at home. At least you and your friends can all hash over the details without worrying about violating Azura's "privacy." She was a good student whose grades recently started slipping, and there are comments that she's become depressed. Willow asks if Buffy really thinks Azura is "a pre-cog." Xander notes that spilling coffee isn't really a first for Buffy. Since Azura's medical records are of no importance (Xander takes a look and says, "Strep throat, ear infection, yeast infection, none of my business!"), Willow asks if Buffy has "Googled her yet." Xander bursts out, "She's only seventeen!" Oh boy, does this episode suck. Google, as everyone reading this recap should very well know, is a search engine. Oh, look -- Azura has her own website. With crayon-y graphics and moody poetry. Xander says, "Poems, always a sign of pretentious inner turmoil." Willow starts reading a poem, which I won't transcribe. ["But I'll break in to observe that I've heard a lot worse in that genre. Overly abstracted, most of it, which is typical, but some compelling imagery." -- Your Friendly Neighborhood Pretentious Creative Writing Major] Dawn walks in and slowly approaches the rest of the gang as Willow recites the poem. Xander says that Azura is "giving death a big fat sloppy word-kiss." Yeah, and I'm FALLING ASLEEP HERE. Willow says that "a lot of teens post some pretty angsty stuff," and she herself even posted a "love poem or two back in the day." Xander is all, "Love poems?" She looks at him witheringly and says she's over him now. He says, "Looove poems." Hey, Xander? Shut up. Willow goes on to say that joining chat rooms and "posting Doogie Howser fan-fic" (shout-out?) is normal teen stuff. They keep searching, and Dawn tries on her Philip Marlowe impression and says she's "got a hunch on this one." She suspects Doofus, whose motive would be rejection. Willow finds Azura's dad's police record -- Philip is a drunken, abusive, mean guy. Willow, Buffy, and Xander are out the door, ignoring Dawn, who insists she "likes Mike for the perp. Let's collar him before he lawyers up!" The door shuts. Dawn's left home alone, again.

Ding-dong -- is an drunken abusive dad at home? Standing on the porch, Buffy says that the vampire slayer would break the door down. Xander asks, "And Buffy the counselor?" She answers, "Waits." Which is why this day-job shit is never allowed to have a primary plotline ever again. Ding-dong, hel-looo, alcoholic absentee father? He finally opens the door. Great, get on with it!

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer

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