Buffy the Vampire Slayer
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Alex Richmond: D+ | 1 USERS: C+
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She's gonna die. Believe it.

Night. Jarhead and some other dorks in red robes stand in a circle and light candles. One dork giggles. Jarhead shushes him. Dork says, "It's just that we're going to be so rich!" The fire exits are nastily booby-trapped, we learn from Jarhead: "No one is getting in...and no one is getting out." He picks up a shiny, shiny cleaver and holds it close to Azura's neck. Her mouth is duct-taped shut, but you can still hear her frightened whimpers. Jarhead says, "It's nothing personal...[Azura] just has this suicidal death-wish thing going on. Extinguish." The robeys snuff out their candles. He starts addressing some demon, asking to be rewarded with "infinite riches" in return for their "sacrifice." Buffy whips off her red robe and says, "That's going on your permanent record." Oh, the bon mots -- do they ever start? She kicks the cleaver out of Jarhead's hand, then kicks him again so he's down and in pain. She asks the robey crew if they "know how lame this is...trying to raise up a lame demon." Dorks never know how lame they are. That's why they're dorks. Buffy says they forgot the metal music. "Blue Clam Cult?" Heh. Someone points behind her and says, you mean that lame demon? There is in fact a big fleshy demon -- part Adam, part Henry Rollins, part Eddie the Iron Maiden mascot -- right behind her. Guess that Blue Oyster Cult wasn't required after all.

Buffy hurls the cleaver at the demon. He pulls it out of his carapace and tosses it near Jarhead. Buffy rushes to protect Azura, but the demon bests her. Jarhead grabs the cleaver. The Rollins demon is about to stomp her guts out, but then Spike is there behind her with a torch. Buffy grabs it and flambés the Rollins demon. Spike punches out the jarhead, wincing with every sock he delivers to Jarhead's jaw. Jarhead asks who Spike is. He's a "bad man." No, that's "bad actor." As Rollins Demon becomes more charred, Spike untapes Azura to hear her say, "She'll tell you. Someday she'll tell you." What, that Buffy looooves Spike? Ooh, Spike and Buffy, sitting in a tree. ["Let's hope they stick to sitting this time around." -- Sars] Buffy comforts Azura, and Jarhead crawls past them to the crispy demon. "You can't be dead. Where are [Jarhead's] infinite riches?" The demon rises up and bites him in the neck. "Ow! Help! I'm bleeding!" Buffy and Azura walk past Jarhead, and Buffy quips, "Sorry, [her] office hours are ten to four."

Once outside, Buffy opens the library door, and the booby trap is sprung. An arrow launches out of a crossbow, right towards Azura. Buffy grabs it with her ninja speed, inches from Azura's eyeball. "See? You can make a difference." Azura pats Buffy's hair, says she will, and falls to the floor. Dead. Buffy is all, noooo! I'm all, finally.

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer

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