Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Inca Mummy Girl

Episode Report Card
Sars: C | 10 USERS: B-
YOU GRADE IT
Pointless shrivel

In the restroom, Ampata smirkily applies lipstick, then spots Copperfieldo Lamas in the mirror behind her. She begs him not to kill her, and he takes a menacing step towards her and points out that she's already dead, "for five hundred years" already. C.L. has a pretty sexy scar on his cheek. Anyway. Ampata protests that it's not fair, that she "was innocent," but C.L. rightly reminds her that the people she kills now to stay alive are innocent too, and to go up a jeans size already. Although he may have said that last part in his head. "Please," Ampata whispers. "I am in love." "You are the Chosen One," C.L. anvils. "You must die. You have no choice." He lunges at her, but she grabs his arm, twists it behind his back, and grunts, "Yes. I do." Then she life-force-sucks him, and C.L. does a little Lithgow in the Twilight Zone acting with his left eye before turning into another failed science project.

Xander waits all expectant-father out in the hall. Ampata emerges, wearing a completely different shade of lipstick from what we just saw her applying. In fact, she's wearing enough makeup to sink the Queen Mary. (That little *bink* sound you just heard? Me, turning into my mother.) From beneath twenty-eight layers of Revlon Super Lustrous emerges Ampata's announcement that she will "gladly" go to the dance with Xander. The two of them walk off hand-in-hand as The Violins Of Ouch...That's Gonna Leave A Mark play us into the break.

We come back to the Summers home to find Ampata telling Buffy that she doesn't have any lipstick. So...she actually applied lip gloss in the bathroom? She used...the entire tube of lipstick, and now she doesn't have anymore? The viewers forgot what we just saw two minutes ago? I know it's minor, but it does come up again later, kind of, and also, it's annoying. Anyway, Buffy says Ampata's welcome to use one of hers, but Ampata looks down, dismayed; the camera follows her gaze as Buffy explains that the bus station sent over Ampata's anvil. Uh, "the rest of her stuff." And by the way, did Famous Original Ampata take the bus the whole way from Sunnydale to South America? Because...when did he leave, then? First grade? Anyway, Ampata lies that she forgot all about it. "No worries," Buffy tells her -- she'll unpack for Ampata. Ampata's not keen on that idea, reminding Buffy that she "must get ready for the dance," but Buffy's not going after all; she has work to do for the "crime club." Ampata moseys over to the desk to pick a lipstick, and the girls discuss Xander and how he's happy around Ampata, and Ampata's happy too, and after Buffy advises her to go with a "gold" lipstick (eesh), Ampata anvils that Buffy's always thinking of others before herself. Hee hee! Buffy thinking of others before herself! Hee. Good one. Ampata, ladies and gentlemen! Try the fish, it's delicious!

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer

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