Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Episode Report Card
Sep: C | 6 USERS: B+
Domo arigato, Buffy Roboto

At Glory's, Spike is dragged in by Not-Dreg and One-Million-Light-Years-From-Dreg. They tell Glory that they have brought her the Key, but Glory tells them Spike can't be -- the Key is pure and vampires are, well, not. Spike says, "So. I'm just going to let myself out," while Not-Dreg informs Glory that the Slayer "protected this one above all others. She treated him as precious." Glory perks up at this and minces up to Spike, cooing, "Let's take a peek at you, precious." Spike tells her to "sod off," but it lacks punch and you can tell that he's frightened. Glory looks bemused and then knocks Spike into next week. Well, into the wall across the room, actually, and hard enough to put a crack in it. Ow. She drags him up by his bloody lip and then throws him onto her bed. She straddles him, saying, "Maybe there's something on the inside," before driving a hooked index finger deep into Spike's chest. Spike screams in agony. Heh. Kind of amusing that the only reason he's being tortured is because the actions of the Buffybot, which he had built to bring him pleasure, convinced Glory that he was important to the Slayer. Poetic Justice waggles an eyebrow at me and takes a little bow.

The gang enter Buffy's house, and I guess they stopped by Denny's first for a Superbird and Moons Over My Hammy, which, for the record, has 922 calories, 59 grams of fat, and 2810 mg of sodium. I know this because, back in the day (August 21, 1996), my boyfriend and I would order breakfast for each other based on how unappetizing and/or unhealthy the entrée. Moons Over My Hammy was trumped only by the Lumberjack Slam 2 (I always referred to it as "Lumberjack Slam 2: Revenge of the Trees"), which weighed in at a hefty 1259 calories, 70 grams of fat, and 4028 mg of sodium. Anyway, all that artery-clogging food must have slowed them down, because the sun is blazing down by the time they get to Buffy's, even though it was the middle of the night when they left Xander's. It also appears that maybe the Buffybot has some sort of lock-picking attachment, because they waltz right in. Huh. I bet she'd be handy to have around when the pilot light on my water heater goes out. "This is my house," chirps "Buffy" as the gang walks right to the big chest o' weapons in the middle of the room. Xander hefts an axe, and Willow asks "Buffy" where they should look for Glory. "She's a God. She wants the Key," is "Buffy's" reply. Sheesh. Can anyone else come up with a reasonable explanation as to why the 'bot would have this information? "Yeaaeah, so we should look…?" drawls Xander. "I don't know. Why is everyone looking at me?" replies "Buffy." Willow and Anya send Buffy upstairs on the pretense of fetching more weapons and a change of clothes so that the gang can talk about her behind her back. Buffybot prances upstairs, and the Scoobies agree that she needs a talkin' to but good.

At this point, the actual Buffy arrives, and after a throwaway line about the vision quest, Xander starts in. Willow interrupts him to say that they shouldn't blame Buffy. "There's blame now?" queries Buffy. Willow says that there's "only love. And some fear." Anya breaks in with a blunt, "We're just kinda thrown by the you having sex with Spike." And thank god, because the sooner we get this little stupid sitcom trick resolved, the sooner this episode will end and I can get on with my life and forget that it ever happened. Buffy sputters in disbelief, while Anya terms it denial, which "usually comes before anger." "I am NOT having sex with Spike!" Buffy hollers. "Anger," decrees Anya. Hee! C'mon, entertain me some more. Xander tells her that she's not being judged, and in fact this whole thing is somewhat understandable, as Spike is "strong and mysterious and sort of compact, but well-muscled." "I am not having sex with Spike," reiterates Buffy. "But I'm starting to think that you might be." Hee! Nick's expressive half-laugh at this is really quite priceless. Xander tells her that he and Anya saw Buffy straddling Spike. Cue Buffybot: "Spike's mine! Who's straddling Spike?" Suddenly All Is Clear. "Oh my god," sighs Buffy. "Say! Look at you! You look just like me! We're very pretty," gurgles the 'bot conspiratorially to Buffy. Everyone shocked and astounded. Xander, hearkening back to "The Replacement," announces, "Hey, I know this! They're both Buffy." "No," Buffy corrects him, "She's a robot," and gets pissed that the gang didn't figure that out on their own. As am I, since they deemed April a robot in 7.2 seconds without having the advantage of knowing her for five years. The gang realizes why Spike had the Buffybot built, and everyone is suitably disgusted. "People! Friends of mine!" breaks in the Buffybot. She reminds them that Glory captured Spike, and Buffy suddenly turns grim as she recalls that Spike knows Dawn's true nature. She tells everyone that they're moving out, but Willow reminds her that they don't know where "out" is. Buffy has an idea of where to start looking.

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer




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