Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Episode Report Card
Sep: B- | 2 USERS: B+
Golden rule days
Buffy does not comply with Dawn's final command and instead wanders the halls of the school as the bell rings and the stragglers rush to class. She peers about and paces the shiny linoleum. She's startled by a basketball smacking into some lockers near her, and sees someone catch the ball. The halls are now empty as Buffy rounds the corner in search of the suspicious ball-bouncer. Heh -- I think that's the name of the male strip club near my house. She just manages to catch sight of a kid in a baggy denim coat and jeans vanishing around another corner. Suspenseful music plays. I'm not so convinced. Buffy rounds the corner, but the kid is gone. She walks past a basement access door. Xander's non-existent secret passageway? Check! Sing with me: Hey, daddy-o, I don't wanna go, down to the basement, there's somethin' down there. Heh.

Dawn sits in the back of a classroom full of students chatting or fiddling with their books. Her teacher says he's going to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves. As he's deciding where to start, we cut to Buffy, still snooping around where she doesn't belong. She enters a girls' restroom and smoothes her hair, sulking about being mistaken for a mom. She reaches down to wash her hands and finds a little bundle of sticks and feathers next to the sink. The music tells us this is scary and actually manages to be convincing, unlike anything Wanker ever managed to come up with. The camera pans back up to the mirror, and we see a zombie girl now standing behind Buffy. "You can't protect her. You couldn't protect me," grits out zombie-girl. Couldn't protect her from the fashion nightmare that is her bright turquoise peasant shirt, I think. Buffy turns away from the mirror, but the girl is gone. Buffy looks around. Suddenly a zombie-man appears right next to her, screaming, "Get out! Get out! Get out!" Oh, c'mon. Is that not the biggest shout-out ever? It would have been just that much better if he'd been yelling it at Dawn. He scares the crap outta Buffy, who cowers in the corner with her head down. Is the Buffybot taking Dawn to school again?

James Marsters wants us to watch Haunted, but I consider it my moral obligation to avoid anything starring former cast-member of Party of Five.

Dawn is standing up in her classroom, introducing herself as someone who loves to dance; she does a snarky little riff on Britney Spears. Oh yeah, Dawn's so cutting edge and pop-culture critical. She's really into Avril, y'all, 'cause Avril is punk. The class laughs at the Britney spearing, and Dawn is winding up her first successful moment in high school when Buffy comes galloping into the classroom. "We have to go. It's not safe!" Buffy blurts out, and then stutters to a halt in front of the staring class. "Can I help you?" asks the teacher, leaving off but implying the "you sad, crazy, inappropriate person." Buffy lamely explains that she thought Dawn was "in danger of…um…smoking," and Dawn looks dreadfully humiliated. Buffy leaves, and the whole class turns to stare at Dawn. "I also have a sister," she says ruefully.

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer




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