Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Lies My Parents Told Me

Episode Report Card
Lies My Parents Told Me

Ahh! Bad wig alert! Flashback newbie-vampire Spike is lurking around in his drawing room, calling for his mother. She swans in from another room, looking remarkably refreshed and restored by her death and rebirth into immortal demonhood. Why don't we just call her Gabrielle from now on, since this story is such a blatant rip-off of Anne Rice's tale of Lestat and his mother? Down to LeSpike's mom's long golden curls, even. Sigh. Didn't this show used to mock Anne Rice, rather than stealing her Gothic melodrama touches? Bleh. And where did Dru go? Stomped off in a disgusted huff muttering about tea cakes sailing their cannons to China, most likely. Spike's all elated that Mummy is such a healthy new demon, and starts making plans for their activities together. He pencils in feasting on the residents of London and then going out dancing for the night, but Mummy has other plans. In fact, she plans to get as far away from Spike as she possibly can, as quickly as she can. I think I like the evil old bag! Mummy mocks poor widdle William's poetry. We cut back to Wood's Grudge Garage, where Wood shouts at vamped-out Spike to fight back. Back in Mummy's drawing room, she twirls and muses happily, "It's as if I've been given new eyes! I see everything…understand everything." It's been a very, very long time since I read any Anne Rice, but I would lay dollars to donuts that that line is almost a direct lift from one of her books. LeSpike is so very, very sad that Mummy has become a cruel demon who doesn't like him, and he begs her to stop. She sneers that she has to be cruel to "pry [his] greedy little fingers off [her] apron strings." She advances on LeSpike, making graphically unkind references to his birth. Oh! His poor undead Victorian ears! How ever can his soulless evilness bear the unkind words?! Oh, right. I don't care.

In the Sanctum de Spleen, Wood continues to administer his beatdown. He holds Spike's face to a cross until the flesh sizzles. Back in Blighty, Mummy suggests that infanticide would've been the best way to deal with her tiresome progeny. Hear, hear! Turning away in disgust, she rants about how she always wished William would find a woman and move out, but he never did. She continues, "But you scarcely showed an interest. Who could compare to your house-bound, doddering mum -- a captive audience for your witless prattle." I hear you, sister. I've been in the same position for the last four years, and becoming evil really is the only way to deal with it. LeSpike: "Boo hoo! I'm not like that anymore." Mummy doesn't agree; she thinks he'll always be a "limp sentimental fool." In the Revenge Retreat, Wood tosses a disoriented Spike around and then punches him repeatedly, shouting, "Is this what it FELT like…when you SNAPPED HER NECK?" Um, I'll admit I don't pay the closest attention to Spike's plots, but the trigger didn't work this way in the past, did it? As we saw in earlier episodes, the First was able to use the trigger to send Spike to bars and alleys to pick up women before he murdered them. He didn't do that in vamp face, or in such a daze that he had no idea what was going on around him. Is this total inconsistency, or are we suppose to think that Giles's magic booger caused this new state where the trigger instantly equals raving-vampire-lost-in-a-flashback-induced-stupor?

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer




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