Previouslys. I refuse to recap these. I can't believe there is anyone out there reading this recap who doesn't know that Dawn is the Key, or that Riley is screwed up, or that Glory is the annoying villain, or that Joyce is pretty darn sick.
In Joyce's hospital room, Dawn is snuggled in bed while stealing Joyce's Jell-O. Joyce tells Buffy and Dawn that they don't have to stick around for the appetizing food, but they assure her that they want to stay. They're interrupted by Doctor Kriegel, who tells Joyce that her blood work seems "fine" and they have her scheduled for surgery in two days. As soon as the Doctor leaves, Joyce sighs that she doesn't think she can wait that long. Buffy and Dawn try to distract her with the promise of soap operas and trashy magazines. Not to mention the adjustable bed. Ah, adjustable beds. I have always wanted one of those. Kraftmatic has my number, people. Joyce tells Buffy that she doesn't need to stay because Joyce knows Buffy has "patrolling to do." Buffy tells her that tonight is "mom-taking-care-of" night and that Riley is subbing for her. "I'm sure they have everything under control."
But because we are not idiots and have picked up on this clever celluloid convention the first 928,343,289 times it was used, we are not at all surprised to see the next scene take place in the cemetery, where things are decidedly not under control. Xander, Giles, and Willow, sans Riley, seem to be getting their collective ass kicked by some leather-wearing vamp gang. I'm going to have to side with the vamps, based on their superior fashion sense. Who the hell would wear a pink suede jacket to go kick undead ass? Willow gets thrown into a headstone but recovers to stake one vamp in the back. I guess you could call it staking. The vamp explodes, but it looks more as if Willow had tapped the vamp on the back to say, "Excuse me. But you seem to have misplaced your tasty red-headed snack." I guess it really does only take a splinter to kill them. I'm also a little confused as to why some vamps dust lickety-split and some of them hang around long enough to take in a double feature. But these are questions for another time. Anyway, the absolutely gigantic blonde She-Ra vamp roughs up both Giles and Xander before pinning them to the wall of a crypt, allowing Willow to do her tappy "excuse me. But you seem to have dropped your tasty snack" exploding-death bait-and-switch thing. As Xander and Giles stumble around and recover, Willow gets all excited about her double dusting. Xander snips a little in Riley's general direction, although of course he doesn't hear that since he stood the gang up. Willow, still on her adrenaline high, protests that with her around they don't need Riley, but immediately afterward her knees buckle and she's caught by Xander and Giles.
Pan around on a dank dirty room. Where the hell is this? Riley is sitting in a chair while a brunette head bobs near his lap. Yeah, I thought the same thing at first too, but actually this random vampire chick is busy sucking another one of his appendages. An arm, to be exact. What the hell is Riley thinking? Riley has problems. Deep, deep problems. Also what the hell is Marc Blucas thinking? He has a look of concentration on his face, but it's not quite working. To be sure, he's thinkin' real hard, but it's probably something like, "Okay, the director told me to emote in this scene, so…emoting. I. Am. Emoting. Hey, that fake blood looks pretty convincing. E. Mo. Ting. Hmmm. I wonder what they have on the craft services table today? I need to load up on protein for my next shirtless scene." Y'all remember that made-for-TV movie Secret Cutting? Well, I've decided that what Riley is doing is secret sucking.