Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Never Leave Me

Episode Report Card
Sep: C- | 2 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Never Leave Me

Spike. Chair. Buffy's bedroom. Talking Heads Of Great And Repetitive Boredom alert! Spike twitches and snerfs. Ominous music tries to make me care. It fails. Buffy asks Spike, "Can I do something?" "Yeah, fuckin' admit to Whedon that you aren't signing on for an eighth season so I can get my spin-off already!" snaps Spike. Well, you know he wanted to. Spike tries to tell Buffy to go, but then vamps out and growls at her. Buffy looks all shocked and clutches her pearls. Oh, please. This show is about six and a half seasons past the point where a vampire in vamp face could be shock-worthy, despite what Miss Gellar's face and the score are trying to tell me here.

Exterior shot of the house. Time has passed? On the show, I mean. It's actually slowed down to a crawl here in my room. Buffy and Willow mumble to each other in the hallway outside Buffy's bedroom. Spike's having "withdrawals" from human blood. That, or, you know, he's just tired of being tied to a chair with no TV. Zombie minion Willow offers up the blood of somebody else's demon ex-fuck-buddy (Anya) to save Buffy's demon ex-fuck-buddy. See how brainwashed she is? Even she now believes in the great untouchable sanctity of the Spike entity that Buffy is championing. Buffy directs her zombie minion to go fetch some pig's blood from the butcher. Zombie Willow seeks to curry more approval by badmouthing Zombie Xander's propensity for delivering lectures about "proper tool maintenance." That awful Xander -- he has skills and makes things. Doesn't he realize that to fit in with the rest of the Scoobies he must destroy things in an unskilled manner? Zombie Willow tries to further gain the favor of her mistress by asking how she is "doing in there," and Buffy replies that Spike is in bad shape. "I wasn't asking about him," drones Willow in some nightmarish stab at "sympathy." Buffy replies, "I'll be okay," in a highly successful impersonation of "dishonest and shut down." What did we learn there? That Willow has to try awfully hard to make a friendly gesture to Buffy, and that Buffy automatically and swiftly shuts her out. Why am I supposed to care about these people, again? Oh, right. Because they're in the credits and Sars pays me.

"She won't feel a thing. Just do it," instructs BBBWarren to Andrew, who is holding a knife. I think they're conspiring to put me out of my misery. God, I hope that's it. "What if she squeals?" asks Andrew. I promise to be very, very quiet. Just make it fast, boys. I can't take much more of this! BBBWarren tells Andrew to go for her throat, and we finally see the intended victim: a pink piglet. I immediately find the piglet more charming and endearing than all other characters in this episode put together. How 'bout a season of Piglet the Vampire Oinker? She fights hyena-infested teens who want to make her a tasty snack, she defeats her nemesis, the evil demon Chitlins, and she slays vampires with a thrust of her trusty trotter. BBBWarren gives Andrew another pep talk that draws on a mélange of tropes found in popular fiction, and Andrew shouts, "That'll do, pig!" before launching himself after the piglet. I'm told that's very funny if you've seen Babe. I myself never vowed to see another live-action talking animals movie after The Adventures of Milo and Otis. Why mess with perfection? Andrew flings himself about the room, but can't catch the pig, which runs away. She has a cute, cocky little gallop. It's pretty sad that all the human actors on the show have just been upstaged by the thirty-second appearance of a walking rasher of bacon. Sigh. The two stooges need another source of blood.

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer

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