Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Phases

Episode Report Card
Couch Baron: B+ | 4 USERS: A-
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All About Oz

Gym. A female teacher is giving the kids a lecture on self-defense. Oz, sitting behind Willow, fixes the tag on her shirt. Xander calls over to tone it down, as they're in public, prompting Cordy to snark, "I think you splashed on just a little too much Obsession For Dorks." Thanks again, Cordy! This job's a breeze sometimes. The teacher finishes her lecture and tells the kids to get into their assigned groups. The kids gather around a table to fill out some forms on clipboards for some reason. Xander observes that Larry's arm is bandaged, and asks what happened. Larry says that a "huge dog" bit him the week before. A huge dog named Gunther. He was dressed like a Tom Of Finland drawing, and he liked to play rough. Whoa. Where'd that come from? Oz sympathizes (with the bite, not the other stuff) and says that his baby cousin Jordy bit him. Larry, less than impressed, walks away, then accosts a very pretty girl named Theresa. He crows, "Be still, my shorts." Irony: "I never get tired of this job." Larry goes on that he may have to attack her, but Theresa tells him that there are other people in their group, which is Buffy's cue to appear with a sunny smile. Hee. Willow doesn't see the joke, however, and pulls Buffy away and warns her not to flaunt her strength. Thanks, Mom.

The teacher tells them she's going to show them what to do if they get attacked from behind. Larry, Larry, Larry. So many jokes, so little time. Her advice is to "bend forward," and while I appreciate dialogue appropriate for my next recapping gig, Oz, I can't keep up with the endless openings for Larry jokes here. And look at that -- I just said "openings." Anyway, demonstrating with Buffy and Larry, the teacher tells them to use their back and shoulders to flip their assailant to the ground. Buffy gives a couple tenth-hearted tries at flipping Larry until he makes the mistake of grabbing her ass. She flips him hard. Everyone looks over. Oz: "That works, too." Hee.

Library. Giles, complete with globes, gives Xander, Buffy, and Willow a lesson on the phases of the moon, saying that though there's no scientific explanation, they do seem to affect the human psyche, and that the full moon brings out people's darkest qualities. Xander: "And yet ironically led to the invention of the moon pie." Giles has a long tee-hee at that, and Buffy looks disturbed. I'm going to trust that the writers were clever enough to throw that in to illustrate that only during a full moon would Giles laugh at one of Xander's lame jokes. I'm choosing to believe that Mercury was in retrograde as well. Giles gives a Whatever Explanation about the werewolf, the point of which is that it emerges for three consecutive nights around the full moon. He goes on that it acts on pure instinct, and is predatory and aggressive. Buffy: "In other words, your typical male." Xander: "On behalf of my gender, hey!" I'm not getting involved. Giles says not to jump to conclusions. Buffy: "I didn't jump! I took a tiny step and there conclusions were." Heh. Giles clarifies that the wolf could be female. Thanks for making me think of Veruca. She was so skanky. Hee. "Skanky." Xander asks if silver bullets are the order of the day, but Giles says no, because they don't want to kill the human, who may be less than lucid about his or her lycanthropic leanings. Buffy: "So tonight we bring him back alive."

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer

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