Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Phases

Episode Report Card
Couch Baron: B+ | 4 USERS: A-
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All About Oz

Standing next to Theresa's open coffin, Buffy pulls down Theresa's choker to reveal a neck wound and answers both our questions with, "Vampire." All caught up, Xander? He starts to say that that's good, I assume in the sense that Buffy letting the werewolf go didn't get Theresa killed, but a look from Buffy causes him to realize, "There is no good here." Buffy engages in a bit of self-flagellation, which again, given what she's recently been through, I'm perfectly willing to indulge. She walks over to sign the visitor's book, and notes that Theresa had a lot of friends. Xander very nicely tries to point out all the good Buffy's done, recounting the events of "I Robot, You Jane" and "Teacher's Pet," like, lovely sentiment, Xander, but did you have to remind us of those two particular episodes? He then blurts out that Theresa's a vampire. Turning, Buffy sees that Theresa has vamped out and is sitting up. Buffy manages to get Theresa to the ground and break a stake off a wooden flower stand, but it's Theresa who hits Buffy's heart by biting out (heh), "Angel sends his love." That is colder than the mountains of Busch. Theresa flips Buffy over, and the two wrestle a bit until Xander stakes Theresa from behind in a credits shot. Buffy, shaken, slowly gets to her feet and hugs Xander. Xander tells her that Angel isn't the guy she knew. Buffy pulls away slowly, in about the tempo that telegraphs a kiss, but simply grabs her bag and bolts. Xander mutters how complicated his life is. Sorry, Xander, but I don't think you need a life coach just yet. Although in later years, you could certainly use a live-in stylist, so start saving that money, I say.

Woods. In his van, UnAbel pours some molten silver into a cast. The fact that he's scheming to kill one of my two favorite characters and I still care more about whether I have enough ham in my refrigerator for a sandwich should give you a clue how I feel about this plotline. However, in case you're at Xander's comprehension level, it's boring.

The full moon rises. At home, Oz takes some manacles out of a box. Okay, fuck the sandwich. There's a knock at the door, and Oz debates whether he should answer, but the knocking is persistent enough to get him up. He opens the door, and Willow comes barging in, spouting about how she had a whole speech ready but it didn't make sense and blah blah blah blurtcakes. Oz tries to impress upon her that this is not the best time, but she won't be deterred from her proto-Ruth Fisher rant, saying that she's going through changes too. Instead of physically forcing her out, or possibly telling her his secret, Oz allows her to continue babbling until she notices the chains. Dude, there's not going to be any bondage fun if you end up eating the future Mistress Of Pain. Oz doubles over, and tries to get to the door, but collapses behind the couch and starts to wolf out. Hearing strangling noises, Willow walks toward the couch at approximately the same speed as a truck-stop waitress at the end of a double shift. Before the moon manages to set again, however, she reaches the couch, and Mystery Science Theater Werewolf pops up all, "Peek a boo!" Willow shrieks.

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer

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