Buffy the Vampire Slayer
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Episode Report Card
Ace: C- | 2 USERS: A-
YOU GRADE IT
Thoroughly Modern Millie

Buffy throws off Leftovers and tells the Junior Misses the only thing they know right now is that they have Buffy protecting them. Then she drops her stake on the ground, and she and Spike waltz out of the crypt, shutting the Junior Misses in with Leftovers. Leftovers might get a full meal now. I mean, the music tells me I should care and be all in suspense at this turn of events, but I hope he eats them all. And can somebody tell me why Buffy found the Cruciamentum to be such a massive betrayal, but now thinks this similar training technique is fine and dandy? My fanwank is that she's tired of the little pups and they're getting in the way of her getting a leg over Spike, so she's decided to thin the herd. And I can really understand her thinking there. Except the Spike part. Also, if Buffy's going to keep preaching at the Junior Misses, I'm not sure I can make to the end of this episode. In fact, here's a little poem I just wrote:

Since I ran out of Vicodin
I can't bear to watch this again
Oh, wise Sars, pretty please
Won't you buy drugs for your employees?

["There once was an admin on TWoP
Whose staff begged her, "Sars, make it stop!"
She passed them a bong
To help them get along
And now they think ME's tip-top.
" -- Ogden Nash]

Willow knocks on the door to Dawn's room, but gets no response. Behind her, Anya offers to kick the door down and giggles, but Xander shushes her. Here's a dime, Xander -- go buy a sense of humor. Why only a dime? Because I've heard the ones belonging to the scribes of ME are going real cheap on eBay right now. Can the band leader get me a rim-shot, please? Xander tries the knob (and I'm resisting a joke there) and finds out the door isn't locked. Willow, Anya, and Xander seem surprised that it's not, but if Dawn were my annoying, sulky, klepto teenaged charge, I'd make sure her door didn't have a lock at all. They enter the room. She's not there. The open window indicates that the shrieky bird has flown the sound-conducting coop. Xander obviouses that they need to find Dawn right away, and Willow offers to do a locator spell. Another one! And they always go so well! Let's hope this one uses a map! Willow murdered two people and tried to destroy the world, and her punishment is an endless hell of torment where she performs faulty locator spells over and over and over! Oops, my mistake! That's the viewers' endless hell of torment!

School. Dawn. Vest Vamp. Dawn would like some help from Millie. Millie doesn't feel up to the task. Just then, a whole passel of Bringers bursts in through the windows and head for Millie. I get the feeling shrieking might ensue, so I quickly hire a courier to bring the bats a crate of tiny industrial-strength noise-blocking earmuffs. Once they let me know they're all kitted out, I can roll tape again. Ouch -- yes, I should have gotten a human-sized pair for myself. Dawn surpasses herself, shattering glass and cracking the foundations of my house as she screams, "No, you don't want her!" The Bringers haul Millie to her feet, and Dawn actually is self-absorbed enough to then whisper, "You want me…" Oh, how sad, Dawn. Now the scary men with scabby eyes won't stick a KNIFE in your GUTS. Now you won't be the TARGET of the FIRST EVIL. Now you won't have to see your SISTER die so you can be SPECIAL. Poor, poor little Dawn.

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer

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