Buffy the Vampire Slayer
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Ace: C- | 2 USERS: A-
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Thoroughly Modern Millie

Buffy, the Junior Misses, and Spike enter one of Sunnydale's demon bars. It's just another one of Buffy's lessons. She tells the girls that sometimes the Slayer has to frequent such establishments of ill repute to scare someone or make contact. And don't forget those rousing games of kitten poker on Thursdays! Molly suggests that Slayer ought to come for a good stiff drink. Buffy agrees to let the Junior Misses have anything they like, and they're thrilled at the prospect of a little illicit alcohol consumption until they learn that the only things served there are yak urine and pig's blood. Buffy continues her lecture. "Not a being in here that wouldn't gladly rip your throat out," says Buffy. At this ill-timed moment, Clem bumps into Buffy, and Buffy greets him like he's a member of her coffee klatch instead of any conversation happening between Spike and Clem (who we've always known to have a closer relationship). Buffy compliments Clem on looking so toned, and Clem does a little "why thanks for noticing" head-bob. Why would Clem be pleased by this, having always detested the nasty and tight skin of humans? Sigh. It's a sad day when the writers cannot even maintain consistency for a character who has only appeared on the show a handful of times. Clem tells Buffy that he saw a program on the History Channel that she might like, and I'm keen to know what that might be. Do they have one on ancient torture devices or medieval weaponry? Ha! Need I even ask? While Buffy chats with Clem, Kennedy and Rona make smart-aleck comments to each other like, "Think she dated him too?" "He's ripping her throat out right now." Buffy picks up on this and takes Clem aside. After whispering to Buffy for a moment, Clem comes back over and tells the Misses that he has something important to show them about demons. From behind Clem, we see a bunch of tentacles where his face used to be, and all the Junior Misses scream. Whuh? I mean…whuh?

Annoying little git Dawn is walking the Sunnydale streets, bearing her burden of not being special and being upset about it, or being special and being upset about it, or whatever -- I really couldn't care less, except to hope that she gets eaten by monsters. The Action Monkeys caper around her, screaming, "Tea and cake or death," until Dawn bursts into tears. Then they stand about, clapping each other on the back and laughing about what a baby Dawn is. I'm beginning to think they might be dangerous, but can't pass up the opportunity for a good laugh at Dawn's expense. Then the Action Monkeys tell me they're all late for badger-poking appointments and that it's time for them to leave. Handshakes all around and I thank them for getting me this far. And then I'm rubbing my eyes desperately, because I swear to God, the Monkeys are all riding off down the Sunnydale streets on zippy scooters. "Ciao!" they yell as they turn and corner and vanish from my sight. Further down the street, Dawn runs into Millie. They know each other from school. They both claim to be out "just" walking, but Dawn notices that Millie has a scratch on her forehead. Millie touches the scratch, and then, saying she's had a "bizarre" night, she puts her bloody finger in her mouth. Uh, okay. Millie doesn't want to share how she got injured because she thinks Dawn won't believe her, but then 'fesses up with a story about being at school late and getting attacked by something with a messed-up face. Dawn thinks she knows what Millie ran into, and Millie is happy to have someone believe her. Turns out she left the vampire trapped in the school and wasn't sure what to do, so she came in search of Buffy. Dawn is curious about why Millie thinks Buffy could help, and Millie explains, "Well, I've heard people talking. A lot of them think she's some kind of high-functioning schizophrenic." Ha! For the past few seasons, I totally agree. But there's more -- Millie has also heard that Buffy has expertise in the area of the bizarre. Millie wants to know if they should get Buffy. Dawn responds, "She's out. I'll take this one." Moron. Does she even have a weapon?

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer

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