Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Real Me

Episode Report Card
Sep: D | 2 USERS: A-
YOU GRADE IT
Real Me

Inside the Magic Box, the gang determines that at least four vampires fed on the storekeeper, and somehow jump to the conclusion that a new vamp gang is in town. Willow has apparently been looking over the inventory and informs everyone that some items have been stolen, mostly books, one of them about Slayers. Giles inspects the register and gets all capitalist-pig about the high profit margins the shop brings in. As he surveys the property and gushes about the location, Buffy reminds him that the store is a "death trap." Buffy plans to get Riley to help her patrol until Willow reminds her that she's supposed to be watching Dawn. Giles wanders away, mumbling about "square footage," and I think I see where this is headed. A mole with cataracts could see where this is headed. "I bet the death rate keeps the rent down," Giles calls out, and then notices that something has been stolen out of one of the display cases. Willow determines that it was a $12.95 "ten-inch ceramic unicorn imported from Thailand." Giles crinkles his brow in curiosity and asks, "What kind of unholy creature fancies cheap, tasteless statuary?"

Survey says: Harmony. The ditzy bloodsucker is in her lair, wearing a sequined tank top and gold lamé pants (is Bette Midler her fashion idol?), and giving her band of "minions" a hand for their raid on the magic shop. She also gushes that someone "remembered to pick [her] up the sweetest little unicorn" and cradles the statuette in question. Two of the minions, clad in leather, roll their eyes at another vamp wearing an orange T-shirt. Brad, who apparently stood Harmony up in the tenth grade, shrugs and explains, "I had to get her something. She sired me." One of the leather vamps grouses to the other, "Sire-whipped." Harmony declares that she's been "skimming through the book jackets" of the books they brought her and has learned some interesting things. Leather-clad minion Cyrus, special friend of leather-clad minion Peaches, a vamp of indeterminate gender, asks: "When are we gonna do it?" and Harmony gets all offended and disgusted. I don't think she needs to worry, because I get the vibe that Cyrus is doing Peaches. Whether that's gay or non-gay vampire love is a more difficult call. The large, burly fourth vamp, Mort, explains they want to know when they will do the plan. Harmony declares, "Tonight. We kill the Slayer tonight."

Dawn writes in her journal as Joyce rips Buffy a new one for taking her sister to a murder scene. Buffy tries to defend herself, but she shouldn't have to. I mean, what did Joyce think would happen when she sent Dawn off with the Slayer? Trouble doesn't need a road map, a compass, or even a nudge in the general direction to find that girl. Joyce chides Buffy for wanting to ditch Dawn to "go out" with Riley, but Buffy protests they are going out to patrol, not to a "sock hop." "Sock hop"? Buffy needs to stop hanging out with Anya and her out-dated teen-speak. All-about-me really runs in the family, because Joyce declares she must be at the gallery in half an hour and "who is going to watch Dawn?" From the other room, Dawn calls that she doesn't need watching, and I have to agree, because at her age I myself was a babysitter and raking in the big bucks, let me tell you. But Joyce and Buffy both seem to think that Dawn needs a babysitter. Mommy, I'm frightened and I want to go home. This Buffyverse is a strange and sometimes off-putting place. Little sisters, appealing Rileys, Giles in red sports cars and now Joyce, who just last week was allowing her nineteen-year-old daughter to boff her boyfriend in the house, thinks that her fourteen-year-old needs a baby-sitter. Add in that she also thought sending a fourteen-year-old anywhere with the Slayer was good idea, and things are definitely skewed. Ignoring Dawn's protests from the other room, Buffy suggests Xander. Oh yeah, that guy. I was wondering what happened to him. Dawn rushes in from the other room and agrees to be baby-sat by Xander.

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer

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