Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Real Me

Episode Report Card
Sep: D | 2 USERS: A-
YOU GRADE IT
Real Me

In her room, Buffy is laying out an array of weapons. Xander reassures her that Willow will be over soon to revoke the invite, and everything will be better. Buffy disagrees and bags on Dawn some more: "It's not like Dawn hasn't grown up in this house knowing all the rules. Especially the biggie. Numero one-o! Do not invite blood-sucking dead people into our home. I mean, please, I would never have Harmony over even when she was alive." First of all, "numero one-o" is actually rule number ten. Secondly, Harmony never even gave you the time of day when she was alive, Buffy. Your invitation would have been immaterial. Of course, Dawn's been outside the whole time, listening in. Xander sticks up for Dawn, pointing out that just last week Joyce invited Dracula inside. Buffy tries to rationalize her mother's behavior as Riley interjects that Dawn "is just a kid." This sets Buffy off further. Shut UP, Buffy. The family resemblance is obvious - both Buffy and Dawn are full of themselves. At least Dawn has the excuse of being fourteen.

Dawn, upset by what she's overheard, runs downstairs, through the kitchen, past Anya and out the back door. Anya goes after her and shepherds her back towards the house. Dawn protests, telling Anya to keep her paws off of her but Anya declares, "No! It's not safe out here." "You got that right," says Mort has he punches Anya ass-over-teacup back into the kitchen. The other vamps herd Dawn away. Mort gives Anya the same look I get when I'm playing pool and see an easy shot I can't resist but forget to take into account that I need to put backspin on the cue ball and therefore leave myself with crap-ass. Damn but physics is a harsh mistress.

Xander, Riley, and Buffy, drawn by the commotion, hustle downstairs. Xander rushes to cradle his girlfriend while Riley pronounces her head wound serious. Buffy dials 9-1-1, which I thought we established was a joke in her town, while Anya mutters "took her" and "Dawn." Buffy puts two and two together and hands the phone to Riley. She's off to the rescue.

Back at Harmony's lair, she's giving one of her motivational speeches. Enter Mort. "Ah Mort, I trust you made our guest comfortable?" inquires Harmony. "You told me to chain her to a wall," answers a confused Mort. Oh this explains everything. Mort is very, very stupid. Although who the hell keeps turning these dunderheads into vampires? Have the undead no pride? Cyrus with his low blood...sugar(?)...blood... blood (?) count wants to know when they eat Dawn. Harmony declares that they're not going to, because it's "not part of the plan." The great plan is to send Buffy a note (and I can just see the note she would send. "Meat me at the abandund factory. Circle Yes or No") ordering her to come alone to a particular remote locale in order to retrieve Dawn. "She comes. We jump her. We kill her." Mort points out that, in that scenario, Buffy needs only believe they have her sister, and therefore Dawn can be drained now. This from the guy who couldn't recognize sarcasm earlier? Harmony decrees that they're not eating Dawn because that's not the plan.

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer

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