Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Teacher's Pet

Episode Report Card
Sars: C | 9 USERS: C
YOU GRADE IT
A Bug's Life

The usual love and skittles to Ace, Sep, and the Couch Baron. I haven't written a recap in a looooong time, people, so buckle up. It's going to get ugly, and I ain't talking about Willow's tights.

Zoom backwards out of an extra's mouth as she screams her damn fool head off. We're at the Bronze, and a vamp who looks kind of like Brian Dunkleman is menacing Buffy "Suddenly Last" Summers. Buffy, kitted out in a vintage-first-season ruby-colored dress with lots of cleavage, backs away from the vamp; in the background, extras mill and flail and shriek. Buffy bumps into a pole, bites her lip, and punches the vamp twice -- oh no, thank you, Foley guy! Unfazed, the vamp slings her onto the pool table and has just hunched over her to feed when Xander "'Atkins' Who In The What Now?" Harris snarks, "May I cut in?" and wrenches the vamp away. A few quick punches to the gut from Xander and the vamp is down for the count. Over in the maternity ward at Mother Cabrini, a newborn gurgles, "Ohhhh -- it's dream sequence. Got it." Xander manlies at Buffy, "You all right?" "Thanks to you," she coos. He helps her off of the table, and she notes that he's hurt his hand: "Will you still be able to --" "Finish my solo and kiss you like you've never been kissed before?" Xander finishes for her, then winks. Snerf. Buffy's all, "He's dreeeeeamy." Xander heads off, presumably for the stage, but behind Buffy, the vamp has gotten up. The extras shriek some more. Xander sees the vamp, snaps a leg off of a chair, and flings it. Stake-cam, aaaaaand -- dusted. Buffy clasps her hands and beams. Xander jumps up onstage to join the band -- which is, inexplicably, just waiting for him among the mayhem, instruments at the ready -- and strums a power chord as Buffy continues to moisten. Xander does the Eddie Van Halen thing. Buffy approaches the stage, gives him a sultry look from over her cleavage, and tells him sweetly, "You're drooling."

Cut to Xander drowsing during a slideshow in biology class. Buffy again whispers helpfully that he's got nap crust on his face, and he snaps out of it and wipes his mouth; the teacher, standing under a slide of an ant, drones on about how ants will rule the earth after humans blow themselves up and blah, then flips the lights on. If the students read the homework, the teacher goes on, they should know the two ways that ants communicate. He calls on Buffy. She stammers, entertaining the jock next to her, then looks over the teacher's shoulder to Willow "Not Gay Yet" Rosenberg, who's gesturing the answers in Buffy's direction. Buffy guesses one, but biffs the other, and there's a bit of "humor" at Xander's expense from the jock before the teacher busts on Buffy for getting the answers from Willow. The bell rings, and the teacher assigns homework, then asks to see Buffy for a moment.

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer

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