Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Teacher's Pet

Episode Report Card
Sars: C | 9 USERS: C
YOU GRADE IT
A Bug's Life

At the library, Giles is huffing that he doesn't care what time it is, but the lady on the other end had better get Carlyle out of his straitjacket and bring him to the phone -- "this is a matter of life and death." Outside, Willow hacks into the coroner's report ("with, yuck, color pictures"), and Buffy recognizes the bite marks; they match the mantis. Willow doesn't like that one bit. For the benefit of our radio listeners, Buffy exposits yet more about how mantises mate and feed -- by biting off the males' heads, in case you went to fix yourself a sandwich back in 1857 when this freakin' episode started, thus missing that bit of info that I feel fairly certain we ALL GET BY NOW JESUS JUST GO KILL HER ALREADY. Willow, ignoring my desire to finish the recap before Social Security checks begin arriving at my apartment, yammers on about how she likes Xander's head: "It's where you find his eyes and his hair and his adorable smile." Buffy reassures her that Xander isn't "in any immediate danger." She saw him leave school, and "he's probably safe at home right now."

Cut to the basemantis (sorry -- it's shorter, you know?), where Xander is staring in horror at the She-Mantis. He backs into the corner of the cage, and when Blayne grabs him by the shoulder, he jumps. Xander asks if he's okay, but Blayne is basically freaking the fuck out and can't form complete sentences. Xander tries to determine what exactly the She-Mantis does, and Blayne moans "oh god oh no" for a few hours before finally explaining that she takes the virgin male out of the cage and ties him up, and then she "starts moving and throbbing," and then eggs "come shootin' out of her," and then...and then...what, Xander demands. "She mates with you." But that's not the worst part, oh no. Would you like to know the worst part? Guess. Come on. Come on! Thaaaaat's right. She bites off his head. Didn't see that coming, did you? Blayne panics some more, and Xander tries to comfort him.

Giles is getting off the phone with Carlyle, telling him, "You were right all along, about everything...well, no, you weren't right about your mother coming back as a Pekingese, but...yes, try to rest, old man." Heh. Giles hangs up and comes out to report to Buffy and Will, launching into a monologue on virgin-thieves in ancient cultures and Carlyle hunting the She-Mantis in the Cotswolds, and while I love Giles, God bless Buffy for breaking in with, "Giles, while we're young." Giles takes it in stride and sums up the She-Mantis's M.O. for us once again -- assumes form of beautiful woman, lures virgins back to nest, et cetera. Buffy interrupts to scoff that surely Xander's not a virgin. Um, Buffy? Hello? Try watching the show. So Buffy starts to stammer that Xander's "probably," and Willow finishes in a quavering voice, "Gonna die," and rushes off to phone him. Then Buffy announces that they have to find the She-Mantis and "snuff it," and asks Giles how. Seems Carlyle recommends "cleaving all body parts with a sharp blade." I like this Carlyle a lot, suddenly. Giles goes on to say that whatever Buffy does, she should do it fast, because the She-Mantis is extremely dangerous; when she shrugs that Carlyle faced it and won, Giles responds that, as a result, Carlyle is now -- if you'll pardon the expression -- bugfuck. "Okay, Admiral, way to inspire the troops," Buffy teases him. Just then, Willow reports that Xander's not home; he told his mother he'd gone to his teacher's house to work on a science project. Buffy tells Willow to pull Miss French's address off the substitute rolls, then orders Giles to record bat sonar, which will melt the mantis's nervous system. Giles hesitates, but Buffy tells him to hit the vid library: "There're no books, but it's dark and musty, you'll feel right at home -- go!" Then she goes to "handle the armory."

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer

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