Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Teacher's Pet

Episode Report Card
Sars: C | 8 USERS: C-
YOU GRADE IT
A Bug's Life

Predictable cut to Weatherly Park, where Buffy regards the fence for a moment, then scales it and starts to look around. She wanders for a bit before a drunk street person startles her and tells her it's "dangerous" there at night. She spots another street person on the ground and runs over, thinking he's dead, but he's just sleeping. Acoustic Guitar Of Foreboding. She comes upon a sheaf of oddly stacked foliage and begins moving it aside, prompting Fork Guy -- who looks like a refugee from Marilyn Manson Fantasy Camp -- to jump out of his lair and attack her. They fight, and the Foley guys go bazoo with the Freddy Krueger effects before police officers appear over the rise and scare Fork Guy away. Buffy runs off after him.

On the sidewalk that runs alongside the park, Miss French is walking home in a Spiegel trench coat, carrying a bag of groceries. Fork Guy approaches her, looking to feed, and Buffy runs up on the other side of the fence and spots them both. Miss French turns around and gives Fork Guy a flirtatious look; instead of the stereotypical celery or baguette sticking out of her bag, there's what looks like a copy of The Mask on video. Huh? Anyway, as Buffy watches, Fork Guy pulls back with a Hannibal Lecterian hiss, then sprints away, pulls up a manhole, jumps down inside, and pulls the manhole flush with the street after him. Miss French makes a "so there" face and continues on her way. Buffy's all, "What in the hell?"

After the break, we fade up on Giles bitching at Buffy for going out hunting when she swore she wouldn't. Buffy blows off his concern quippily, and Giles asks with not a little asperity if she happened to see "someone with a fork." "More like a jumbo claw," Buffy responds. Giles looks ashamed, and says quietly that at least she's not hurt, but Buffy's more interested in telling him about Miss French. After Giles rambles a bit about the "lovely" and "well-proportioned" substitute teacher, Buffy tells him that Claw Guy saw Miss French and took off screaming. Giles is skeptical about that, but Buffy insists that Miss French scared the crap out of Fork Guy and convinces Giles that they should "keep an eye on" her. Then she dashes off to class...

...only to get stopped in the hall by Principal Flutie, who wants Buffy to go to crisis counseling because she saw Dr. Gregory's dead body. But she can't use the word "dead." Or "decomposing." Or any other word that starts with "d." Buffy says she has to get to biology, but Flutie must insist: "We all need help with our feelings, otherwise we bottle them up and before you know it powerful laxatives are involved!" Snerk. I liked Flutie a lot; it made me sad when he got eaten by Jen's New York Boyfriend From Her New York Past. And have you ever noticed that Ken Lerner always, always plays a doctor or a lawyer? The role of principal is a real departure for him. Anyway, he continues to ramble at Buffy, telling her he's there for her if she ever needs a hug, "but not a real hug, because -- there's no touching in this school. We're sensitive to wrong touching," and all I can say to that is that it's too bad Flutie couldn't have come back to haunt Riley's dorm room. Buffy continues protesting, but Flutie won't have it -- she needs to heal. "Heal!" he bellows at her, and sits her down in a chair to wait for the counselor. Buffy pouts for a moment, then eavesdrops on Cordelia's counseling session; Cordy's upset, but notes that she can't eat as a result and may have lost seven and a half ounces. "Oh, I'm not saying we should kill a teacher every day just so I can lose weight! I'm just saying, when tragedy strikes, we have to look on the bright side -- you know? Like how even used Mercedes still have leather seats!" Buffy cocks an eyebrow. I giggle. Then I wish I had a Mercedes. Then I wish the show still had a Cordy.

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer

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