Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Ted

Episode Report Card
Couch Baron: B- | 4 USERS: B+
YOU GRADE IT
Come And Knock On Her Door

Park. A vamp goes flying into a picnic table. Buffy picks up a garbage can lid and proceeds to beat the vamp into a bloody pulp in front of an increasingly disconcerted Giles. Giles tries to convey that perhaps staking the vamp would be preferable to making him look like Jared Leto in the later stages of Fight Club, to no avail. Eventually, Buffy remembers the "Slayer" part of her title, and dispatches the hapless vamp. She asks if there are any others, but Giles says he hopes not, for their sakes, and asks her if everything's okay. She opines that vampires are creeps, and Giles indulgently agrees. Buffy: "I mean, people are perfectly happy getting along and then vampires come and they run around and they kill people and they take over your whole house and they start making these stupid little mini-pizzas and everyone's like 'I like the mini-pizza' but I'm telling you..." Hee. I can appreciate the value of a good run-on sentence. Although really, she could be talking about the Slayers-in-training, except for the mini-pizza part. Giles interrupts: "I believe the subtext here is rapidly becoming, uh, text?" Ha! That's one of my favorite lines. Buffy asks if he thinks there will be any more vampires, and that she can wait. Giles wonders to himself if the Watcher's Council stocks Prozac.

School. Xander is on about the mini-pizzas again. I suppose I slightly prefer to watch Xander thinking with his stomach over Xander thinking with his dick ["me too" -- Sars], but neither really makes for riveting television in my book. Willow asks if Buffy doesn't like Ted, but Buffy counters that she doesn't know him, and thinks there's something a little too clean about him. Xander cracks on her for having parental issues. Buffy admits that there might be some truth to that. "Seeing my mother frenching a guy is definitely a ticket to Therapyland but it's more than that." She opines that there's something wrong with Ted, which is his cue to appear in the background behind her. Xander not-too-subtly alerts her to that fact. Buffy rudely asks what he's doing there. He says he's updating some software in the guidance office, which is just another proof that Sunnydale High isn't like any public school I've ever seen. The ones I know were lucky if they could get their hands on an Amiga, and the word "upgrade" would be met with the phrase "not in the budget." Speaking of which, Ted hands Willow the upgrades he promised her. She thanks him profusely, and Buffy's unnoticed look of death is priceless. Ted asks Buffy if she likes miniature golf, and Xander responds, "Who doesn't?" I'd make some haughty comment here, except that I really like miniature golf. And bowling. Does that make me gay white trash? Next thing you know, I'll be finding out I'm Kirk Cameron's long-lost cousin. Ted invites them to play miniature golf with him and Joyce that Saturday. Buffy lamely tries to claim prior plans, and Willow lamely backs her up, but Xander overrules them, having been promised a picnic basket with mini-pizzas and cookies. Apropos of nothing, John Ritter has a mullet in this episode. It's a fairly well-coiffed mullet, but a mullet nonetheless. Well, I may have outed the white-trash side of myself, but I can take solace in the fact that I certainly have never had anyone be able to point to my hair and say, "Business in the front, party in the back!" Cousin Kirk, are your ears burning?

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer

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