Dump. Day. Pile of Trash Xander, still laying in the garbage, yawns. Flies buzz. He opens his eyes and yelps.
House of Xander. Pile of Trash Xander, who from now on I will be calling Dirty Xander, tries to open his basement door, and finding it locked, calls for Anya. No response. He kicks the door and squeals in pain. Dirty Xander limps over to the window and, rubbing some dirt away from one pane, peers into the basement. Where he sees...
...the other Xander (let's call him, oh, let's see, Clean Xander), walking around the basement, fresh out of the shower, and shirtless. Xander fans all over North America squeal in delight! (Of course, that could have been Nick Brendon's twin, Kelly. But I'm not even going to get into trying to figure out who is who in each scene. My quick take is that it was Nick, like, 70% of the time, and Kelly was used mostly when both Xanders had to be in the shot.) Dirty Xander is flabbergasted by this disturbing new development in his previously depressing but uneventful life, and comments aloud that he needs to find Buffy. He gets up off his stomach, catches his toe on a stepping stone in the lawn, and totally bites it, falling right on his face. Whoopsie!
Instead of going to the Magic Box to talk to Giles or, you know, going directly to Buffy's house, Dirty Xander tries to call her from a pay phone in the middle of the street. A pay phone which eats his quarter. As Dirty Xander argues with the operator, Clean Xander, looking cool and collected, sails down the street. Dirty Xander, finding a quarter in his pocket, sticks it in the phone, dials, and then seeing his doppelganger, hides his face behind his hand. Buffy answers the phone, but Dirty Xander is so flummoxed by this entire turn of events that he just hangs up on her and stares after Clean Xander.
On the other end of the phone, Buffy, in her bedroom at home, looks perplexed and hangs up. Turning to Riley, she...Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. Holy...My...Sweet...um. This outfit? I really don't think...I mean...wha? That's blood coming from my eyes. I'm crying tears of blood because of this outfit. And I can't move my arms because I'M TURNING TO STONE BECAUSE OF THIS OUTFIT. I don't know what Sarah Michelle Gellar did to the stylist this week, but I think it must have been along the lines of killing her family and burning down her house, because this is the worst outfit I have ever seen on television. Ever. And that includes two years of the original Donny and Marie Show. Buffy is wearing (brace yourself -- seriously) a green, lavender, peach, and brown beaded halter top, skintight flared brown pants with a white tie-dyed pattern thing on them, and a full-length (as in, to the ground) lavender hooded sweatshirt. A FULL LENGTH SWEATSHIRT? God, why hast thou forsaken me?! Buffy says something to Riley about being fully equipped to kill this demon, and that he shouldn't worry about her, and they start to make out, and I still can't really see because of the BLOOD coming out of MY EYES, because I just saw that Buffy is also wearing a giant purple ring made entirely of shiny, shiny beads and a bracelet with a matching huge green beady flower thing on it. And then there is this gurgling noise in the background and I think maybe Riley is choking to death on Buffy's tongue, but it's just Dawn, grossed out by all the kissy stuff. Dawn tells Buffy that she knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who died because she choked on her boyfriend's tongue. What did I tell you? Buffy rolls her eyes and tells Dawn, predictably, to get out. Dawn points out that she's in the hallway and can stand there if she wants. Bicker bicker bicker, Buffy slams the door in Dawn's face. And that's it for Dawn this week, kids.