Previously on Buffy we had couples: Anya and Xander, Tara and Willow, Riley and Buffy. They argued, mooned, and smooched like couples do.
We open in a Sunnydale graveyard at night. Buffy, clad in an eye-sore ensemble of curly hair, bulky rustic-knit gray sweater, and white snakeskin-pattern pleather pants, fights a vampire. She throws the vampire across the grass, and Riley is there is beat him up some more while Buffy loads her crossbow. She aims, but lowers her weapon to smile at Riley, who is in serious danger of having his saggy-ass pants sag right off his ass. Riley holds the vamp and right as Buffy is about to shoot him, a demon leaps out and smacks Riley to the ground. She and Riley re-group, and there's a sexual innuendo that I'm not even gonna write down since I'm marshalling my resources to get through the rest of this recap. Buffy fights the demon and finally stabs him, and Riley stakes the vamp. Buffy and Riley discuss the strangeness of seeing a demon and vamp teamed up together, and that it "never happens," which we all know is not true and a complete re-write of Buffyverse history. Why, just this season Spike told Giles that he used to have Fyarl demons working for him; as another example, we also saw Spike and Angel work with the Judge. Riley picks leaves out of Buffy's hair and they do the whole "slaying makes me horny" routine which is (1) sick-making and (2) what the hell are the writers trying to say? Ooh, ultra-violence gets the juices flowing! Go out beat the crap outta someone to spice up your sex life. Gack. Buffy says they need to tell Giles about the strange pairing, but she and Riley go to his room to have sex instead. All this irresponsible, wrapped-up-in-Riley Buffy is making me pine for the mopey Buffy I complained so much about at the start of this season.
Spooky music with ooe-ooe vocals plays as the camera sneaks up the stairs in Riley's frat house. Inside Riley's room, Lil' Buffy Foo-Foo and her love-bunny are snuggled in bed. Riley wakes up, creeps out of bed, and quietly puts his pants on. As he starts to leave his room, he hears a strange, muffled noise. He quietly walks through the house as the spooky music plays, and sadly, he has not thought to put a shirt on. Enough of the Riley chestage already! I don't like him and parading him around like so much flank steak isn't going to change that. Riley and his pecs enter the frat bathroom and his biceps flick on the light. He scans the room and sees nothing except a drawn shower curtain. The music gets spookier and more intense as he approaches the curtain, but when he pushes it aside all he sees is a dripping faucet. There's an extremely unflattering shot of Riley from the bathtub's point of view and then he leans over and shuts off the drip.
Daylight. An ice cream truck is tinkling its way down a quiet street. The truck pulls over to the curb and we see that Xander, wearing a striped poly uniform and hot-dog-guy paper hat, is driving. He's asking Anya, who is riding with him, why she doesn't want to attend the upcoming party at Riley's frat, Lowell House. Xander as ice-cream guy makes me snicker, because the ice-cream guy I used to buy cherry-banana bars from in high school was the skanky tattooed lead singer of a local punk band called Useless Pieces of Shit. It always amused me to think of him selling ice cream to small children. The only other person I knew who drove an ice-cream truck used it as a front to sell drugs, and in this way saved up enough money to open his own business. I wonder if that's Xander's plan? Anya sulks that she's not comfortable around the Initiative guys, and Xander replies that they don't even know she's a former demon. As Xander clambers out of his seat and begins to dig around in the freezers, he says that the Initiative guys will be too busy flirting with other girls to notice Anya, and she takes offense, snapping that he doesn't think she's flirt-worthy. Xander realizes that he's not going to win with anything he says and Anya whines that he doesn't find her attractive anymore. He replies that she's "gorgeous," and she pouts and wants to know why they didn't have sex the night before. Xander is surprised and mentions that it's happened before, and Anya knows the exact number of times, "twice." She looks very distressed and blurts out, "I can't believe we're breaking up!" Anya, news flash: if you want to have sex with your boyfriend, it's okay to initiate it. Please, please, please stop getting your relationship advice from 1950s Ladies Home Journal, 'kay? Xander insists that they aren't breaking up, obviously confused by her feminine illogic and emotionalism (that's a swipe at you, Buffy writers, in case you missed it), but Anya says she's seen it happen thousands of times during her stint as a demon. Xander tries to tell her that "there's a lot more to you and me than the sex," and at her desperate look, amends, "Well there should be!" He gives her some talk about a relationship being work you do together, but Anya, stuck in a groove like a record my cat did the lambada on, says she's pretty and young, so "why didn't you take advantage of me?" She asks if something is wrong with his "body" and starts talking about erectile dysfunction. Xander's manhood is insulted at that and, insisting that all his parts are working, he tells her they'll have sex right there and starts taking off his shirt. He offers her "hot, sweaty, big sex" and then he and Anya both look out the vending window of the ice-cream truck to see a number of confused-looking children and their aghast parents.
Giles is sitting at the student center with Buffy and Riley and is surprised to hear that a vampire and demon were working as a team, despite the fact that he was present for the past three and a half seasons of this show. He explains that many demons think of vampires as "abominations" since they are mixed with human blood. Willow and Tara are there also, and Willow asks "what brought these two together"; Riley corrects her that they should be looking for a "who." "Adam!" realizes Giles, and Buffy says it's the most logical conclusion. Tara says Adam is "bridging the gap between the races" (and in Arizona and California, Ace and Sep are heard to yell, in unison, "By boring them into submission!"), and when Willow adds, "Like Martin Luther King," Giles gives her a look. She's rightly embarrassed. As Giles instructs Buffy and Riley to patrol the same area and keep an eye out for more demon/vamp teams, we see that the two fuck-bunnies are holding hands and feeling each other's hands up. As they continue to stroke palms, Riley says he'll inform the Initiative patrol and mentions the party being held at Lowell House. Giles is surprised at the mention of a party and inquires, "At a time like this? Who's idea was that?" A time like what, Giles? What the hell is going on that's so important? Adam has been on the loose for six episodes, none of you has done a thing about it, and nothing else seems to be going on. Riley says the party was his idea since his troops need "to let off steam." Giles sees Riley's point (but if Riley combed his hair just right it wouldn't show -- har) and then when Riley invites him, dryly says, "As much as I long for a good kegger, I have other plans." Hee. There's a song I sing to myself when recapping Buffy these days. It goes a little something like this: "Giles and Spike, Giles and Spike, only reasons for watching are Giles and Spike." Well, it might sound better if you could hear the tune. Giles says his plans are at the Espresso Pump and that it's a meeting of "grown-ups," which would be of no interest to the gang. As he talks, Buffy and her hump-hero moon at each other and let their fingers do the talkin'. Riley asks if Buffy should be at class, and when she says not for twenty minutes, Riley makes his amorous intent not very subtlely known by saying he has "a thing" to do, which would be Buffy, if you're paying attention. Buffy and her fry-daddy hop off into the woods for some bunny love. Willow shifts on her sofa and starts to explain to Giles what just occurred, but he interrupts her and says he went to university and recalls what it was like.
Lowell House. Sex noises emanate from Riley's room as Forrest and Graham walk down the stairs, complaining about how cold the house is. As they hear the heapin' helpin' of humpin' going on in Riley's room, Forrest bitches that Buffy and Riley never "come up for air." In Riley's room, Buffy and Riley are doing it, and they'll be doing it for the rest of the episode. Riley reaches into a bedside table drawer and pulls out a condom. I groan, and not in a sexy way, because of the ham-handed obviousness employed in this little PSA. In the lobby of the frat house a random Initiative guy -- not wearing a red shirt, although he should be -- throws logs onto a fire in the fire place. Forrest and Graham approach him shivering and Mason, the red shirt, says that it's still an "icebox" even though he's been working on the fire for an hour. Graham jokes about the two "heat generators pumping away" upstairs and Mason laughs. Forrest smirks. Riley and Buffy grope and moan. Ace grabs her head, then her stomach and goes to the bathroom to look for pain killers and antacids. Mason sits down in a chair near the fire and the ominous music starts. The camera pulls in close to the fire as we hear sex sounds and see Buffy and Riley grappling. The fire suddenly flares up and blasts right out of the fire place; Mason is engulfed in flame and rolls around on the floor, burning. Forrest grabs a banner off the wall to smother the fire and tells Graham to get help. Back in the fireplace, the fire is burning at a normal level again.