Aw. Sweet relief of commercials. As I hit pause on the VCR, Martha Stewart's face fills my screen. Somehow, my mom has a special cable package that only has one channel: HGTV.

Martha, while stringing cranberry garlands: "Now I've never found any easy way to do this."
Sep: "Please. Get one of your henchvamps to do it for you."
Sep's Mom: "Dear. This isn't Buffy. Martha doesn't have henchvamps."
Sep: "Riiiiiight."

In the alley, it's a full-on brawl. For the next few Spuffy-related paragraphs, just assume that every bit of dialogue is punctuated by someone knocking someone else in the kisser. Buffy claims that Spike's chip malfunction must be some sort of trick, but she's obviously extremely upset by the possibility that it isn't. He disagrees, saying, "Came back a little less human than you were." She shoves him inside a building.

Bronze. Close-up of scantily clad cage-dancing boys. Please. If I wanna see half-naked boys in cages, I'll look three feet to my right. Up on the catwalk, Amy and Willow are wearing big smiles and start waving their hands and flinging magic around willy-nilly. You can tell it's magic because of all the colored trails of light emanating from their fingertips. Note to effects department: Effects that I can imitate myself with a ninety-nine-cent package of sparklers are far less special than I like my effects. The girls merrily change everything more to their liking. The band. The patrons. People are turned into sheep. It's all giggles with Wills and Amy.

Back to Spike and Buffy, who have taken the fight inside. "Poor little lost girl," snarls Spike. "She doesn't fit in anywhere. She's got no one to love." He swings from a crystal chandelier in an abandoned house and kicks Buffy in the chin. "Me?" she retorts. "Poor Spikey. Can't be a human. Can't be a vampire. Where the hell do you fit in?" as she throws him onto the fireplace hard enough to send a few bricks crumbling. "I'm in love with you," he croaks hoarsely from the hearth. Right. Love. I'm none too pleased with Buffy's behavior here, but at least she's not claiming to be IN LOVE with the person she's kicking the shit out of. Buffy: "You're in love with pain. You like me because you enjoy getting beat down." He throws her against the wall, causing a small avalanche of plaster.