Burn Notice

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M. Giant: B | Grade It Now!
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Method to the Madness

Hanging out at an espresso stand across from the Valentine offices with Michael, Fi is trying to shake him down for some payment on this so she can maybe pick up some items from the Valentine clothing line. "I bought you the espresso," Michael reminds her lamely. Oh, and he also gave her a car, and now Sam's stuck driving a crappy old Buick while Fi's perfectly serviceable Jeep Whatever gathers dust in the garage of her nonexistent home. Just then Valentine ("Valentine -- The Mogul," according to the always-hip subtitles) comes out of the building wearing a white suit and fedora, flashing a giant watch and smoking a cigar the size of your forearm. And he's played by Method Man, just in case that's not enough sheer presence for you. He's accompanied by a rap soundtrack and an entourage that includes a ratty little half-bearded white dude whose gold-framed sunglasses are wearing him. This, according to the subtitles, is "Eddie -- The Embezzler." Clearly the subtitles have never heard of presumed innocence. Read the Constitution some time, subtitles. As Michael and Fi watch them all climb into a waiting town car, Michael gets a call on his bedazzled phone: "Hollywood Beach, 15 minutes," says Victor before hanging up. Michael leaves Fi to wrap up the job of checking out Valentine's security. Well, I can already tell her that since he makes a big production of leaving via the front door, he's clearly not the paranoid type.

Victor is sunning himself in a beach chair, and when Michael approaches, he goes right into a very brief briefing: "There is a certain location. From this location an item is being shipped to another location:" "Whoa, slow down," Michael kids, but then wrecks it by seriously saying he gets it in the same breath. Victor continues that they're going to hijack the item, while drawing an unhelpful diagram in the sand with a stick. Michael asks what they're stealing. "Oh dear. Sounds like someone's got a case of the need-to-knows," Victor replies snottily. "Left untreated, that could be fatal, Michael. Dismissed." Wow, he made Michael drop what he was doing for that? That seems unnecessary. More likely he made Michael drop what he was doing just to make Michael drop what he was doing. Oh, and this: looking at his own phone, Victor adds that Michael should hurry if he wants to get back to Biscayne Boulevard. Michael gives his bedazzled phone a dirty look, as if he can disable the GPS he just realized is in there by glaring at it. Try taking off your sunglasses first, Michael.

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Burn Notice

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