Burn Notice

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Stacey's Mom

Later, Sam's with Michael, Fi (who is chewing gum and playing with her hair in an apparent attempt at broad parody of Tommy's "girls back home"), and Tommy at dinner, as Michael VOs, "Sensitive operations often depend on knowing how hard to laugh at the boss's jokes." Clearly they're struggling with that, because they all just laugh as hard as they can. Fi in particular is sucking up to Tommy with a Jersey accent straight out of Grease 2. Changing the subject to business, Michael makes up stories about how he, "Brianna" and "Big Chuck" used to steal cars. Tommy says they're not thinking big enough, and tells them some fish stories about his own past scores. The team acts impressed, and Michael asks Tommy if they could come along on one of his jobs. Tommy, feeling flattered and expansive, says he'll give them an audition that very night.

Later, it's dark as they walk down the street, Tommy lighting up as he boasts that he's down to one cigarette a day. They're heading to a dry cleaners down the street, the robbing of which Tommy says he already has all figured out, "like clockwork." He rattles off the plan: "Big Chuck over here [meaning Sam, of course] throws a few rocks at the place, gets the guy to come out... Then the little lady runs over, spray-paints the security camera by the door." He hands her a can of red from his bag, which she says is her favorite color. "Then me and Milo run in, grab the cash, and run out the back." Michael has noticed that the camera is attached to a cable, and acts like a confused dumb guy as he pretends not to get whether "Brianna" needs to use the spray paint to eliminate the camera. "Or...did you want her to cut the cable on the roof?" Impressed, Tommy opts for the latter. He then pulls out a little snub-nosed revolver, which he says isn't loaded. It's just for pointing at the guy to scare him if they need to. Sounds like a stellar way to get killed. He shows Michael how to hold it sideways. "That's how they do it now," he explains. Oh, Tommy, that is so nineties. But at least it's a decade ahead of his wardrobe. Satisfied with Michael's sideways-gun-holding technique, he puts his crew into motion.

We start off with Michael, who rolls his eyes. Fi, on the roof, cuts the camera cable. I don't know how she got up there in the first place, unless one of the guys catapulted her up there on the end of a spoon handle. Sam pitches a rock at one of the neon tubes outside, smashing it and ducking out of sight when the cashier comes out. And while the guy's looking out into the darkness, Michael and Tommy dart inside the open door behind him and slam it shut. Michael locks the doors and closes the shades. The owner has his cell phone out and is threatening to call the cops. I guess he could break the window, but it's his own store. Which is the one good part of Tommy's plan. The first drawback is that Tommy can't get the cash register open. Michael rolls his whole head and walks over to fire extinguisher on the wall. "The lock on a cash register drawer is designed to keep it from pulling open," he VOs. "Whack it hard enough the other way --" which Michael does "-- and it breaks." Which it does. They stuff all the cash into a little bag -- including a few bills Michael finds stashed under the cash drawer -- and Michael has to remind Tommy that they're going out the back when he hears the sirens coming and momentarily freezes. The plan's next snag comes when they find the back door padlocked on the inside, trapping them inside. Tommy is completely at a loss. And of course Michael doesn't exactly want to get picked up for this either, because it would be pretty hard to explain to Detective Paxson. I should know, I've been trying to explain things to her for three weeks. It would be hard to explain checkers to Detective Paxson. Still pretending to be the apprentice, Michael asks Tommy, "You're saying unless we break the lock, right?" Tommy says that's right. Michael looks up at the narrow chain holding up a fluorescent light fixture and steals it, then threads it through the hasp of the lock. The sirens are getting closer all the time, which I wouldn't have thought possible. "When a padlock's held onto a door frame with three-inch wood screws," he VOs, "it's no match for a dry cleaning rack that can move 30,000 pounds of clothes." It can? And who wears 30,000 pounds of clothes? Michael attaches the other end of the chain to the rack and hits the switch. The chain goes taut and the mechanism strains for a few seconds, but then the lock pops clean off the door. "Not bad, kid," Tommy says approvingly, as though this were some challenge he had deliberately set up for his young Padawan. They head out the back, just as Fi and Sam pull up in a stolen Impala. "Clockwork, like Tommy said," Michael claims as he and Tommy hop in and they drive off. Wow, Tommy is really so dumb that he even believes people who tell him how awesome he is.

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Burn Notice

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