Burn Notice

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M. Giant: A- | Grade It Now!
Under the Counter

If it's a Burn Notice teaser, it must be Michael and Fi, hanging out in some uncomfortable location while exchanging great steaming chunks of expository dialogue designed to bring us up to speed on the current state of his ongoing investigation into his burn notice. In this case, they appear to be in a jungle somewhere, leaning against opposite sides of Fi's Saab as we learn that they're waiting for an arms dealer Fi knows. Apparently "Seymour" is a little on the paranoid side, which is why he didn't want to just meet at Carlito's like Michael wanted. Hey, Michael, nobody told you to wear your new sky-blue suit out here. Fi gets a text message on her cell phone, and Michael does a VO about how you want to know everything about the people you're working with. It doesn't fool anybody, especially considering how horny the camera operator shooting Fi just got. But since the text is not from Seymour, but some guy who's asking Fi out, the MWVO adds, "Although, sometimes there are details you'd rather not know." If he's jealous, he probably doesn't need to feel all that threatened by a guy who asks a grown-ass woman out by text message.

A yellow Corvette pulls in behind them, and a shaggy, skinny guy with a duffel gets out of the passenger side. He doesn't look much like Nicolas Cage in Lord of War, but you can tell it's Seymour the arms dealer by the subtitles reading "Seymour -- Arms Dealer. He invites Michael to take a walk with him, and gesturing to his bodyguard/driver, he asks Fi, "Keep Jackass company. He'll like you. He's attracted to shiny objects." Not to defend Fi, but Seymour's the one who wanted to meet someplace where she'd get all sweaty.

As Seymour and Michael walk down to the nearby beach, Michael explains that he's looking for a Dragunov sniper rifle from Russia. Presumably that's the big secret gun that Michael and Victor stole last week. Seymour thinks Michael's asking as a buyer, and before Michael can straighten him out, they meet up with two other suited guys who are waiting on the beach. Apparently Seymour is double-booked for this particular timeslot. He gets the Slavic-accented blond guy's name wrong (Vladimir instead of Pavel), then brushes it off and asks for his money. But before handing over his own bag in exchange, he looks in the case Vladivel just handed him and bitches, "What, they don't teach arithmetic in the Ukraine?" "We are Bulgarian," Vladivel growls. Seymour says the deal was for a hundred thousand as opposed to fifty. Vladivel objects, Vladivel's sidekick draws, and of course the sidekick is quickly flat on his back in the sand with his gun in Michael's hand, pointed at Vladivel. "Fiona said you were bad-ass," Seymour appreciatively tells Michael. "This is really none of my business," Michael points out. Seymour says it is now, and suggests they take off. Backing away while Seymour abandons him, Michael says, "No no no no no...okay," and then takes to his heels as Vladivel draws from an ankle holster and starts shooting. Back in the clearing, Seymour and Michael jump into their respective cars and their drivers tear off in different directions. For some reason, the Bulgarians follow Fi's Saab in their SUV, even though Seymour's the one with their weapons and their money. Fi gets the car back on the pavement as fast as she can, because as Michael VOs, "If you're driving a sports coupe, you're not going to be able to lose an off-road vehicle off-road." The smarter thing to do, he says is haul ass to the asphalt, where you have the advantage of maneuverability. And where, if you are Fi, you can take the opportunity to play chicken with oncoming trucks. "You need to put yourself in a position where you can do something they can't." Which is pretty much what Fi does, as far as I can tell from all the crazy editing and split screening. Remind me not to buy one of those SUVs, because apparently if they try to make a tight turn, they spin out and the engine kills and you'll be stranded in the middle of nowhere until the opening titles.

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Burn Notice




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