Burn Notice

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Kidnapping Fi
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Michael VOs that although you usually want to go into the field with only trained operatives, sometimes you can't avoid bringing in a civilian. Cut to Madeline's house, where Jesse and Michael have just asked her to help them rob a bank. She's not exactly jumping at the opportunity. Michael explains that they really just want to steal one safety deposit box. Jesse explains to her that it's connected to the case he was working on when he got fired, and all Madeline needs to do is trigger the alarm so they can see how the guards react. "All you have to do is the one thing I can never get you to stop doing," Michael says, chivalrously lighting her cigarette for her. Between that and Jesse's cajoling, he gets her to agree.

Later, Madeline's entering the bank, while at the same time, Jesse goes in as a sandwich delivery guy. Michael VOs about how that kind of job doesn't require the same kind of background checks that bank guard does. So Jessie applied for a job as a delivery guy, got the job, and waited around for the guards to order food? Glad it worked out. As Jesse is allowed into the bank's guard room, Michael's VO adds, "It gets you the same access, plus a tip." Well, that explains how they afford all their munitions and surveillance equipment. Jesse passes out the sandwiches while, in the room where the safety deposit boxes are kept, Madeline lights up. Moments later, alarms start going off, and Jesse feigns docile submission as the guards launch into action. He can also see Madeline on one of the surveillance monitors doing her chimney bit and wonders if the guards aren't overreacting, but a guard says smoking in there is against state law; "She's doing jail time."

Outside, Jesse gets back into Michael's car, his every pore radiating "Oops." Michael freaks out at the news that his mom is getting arrested, because it's even worse than it seems; in addition to the Epic Son Fail of getting your mother busted by the fuzz, there's the fact that Madeline opened an account there, with her real name and address. Jesse joins him in panic and says they have to spring her before the cops get there. But then they turn to see her sitting on a bench outside the window, still smoking the same cigarette and explaining how she gained the guards' sympathy by acting the sad widow with pictures of her dead husband. "First thing Frank's been good for in thirty years," she says, which is a little harsh. Sure, he was an abusive dick, but Michael's also been using his dad's shit for the last three and a half seasons. "Get in the car," Michael says. His dad's car, that is.

Jesse and Michael are back at the loft going over what they learned about the bank's security. Jesse's convinced they won't have time to drill through the box before the guards pour in, Michael has a plan to drop in through the offices of the law firm upstairs. Good thing everyone hates lawyers. Enter Sam and Fi, dressed up like they're going to the Oscars. Apparently they're doing security at some fancy private party, and were asked to blend in. So Sam is Chuck Finley, as always, and Fi is playing his wife Charlotte. Which is going to set things up for a lot of stale jokes about the two of them being married for the rest of the hour, but I'll be skipping those. Fi's still visibly pissed at Michael for what he's doing to Jesse, and as she and Sam leave, Michael tells Jesse, "Don't ask." Yeah, that would be a little awkward to get into.

Sam and Fi head over to the home of the party's host, a guy named Christian who's played by Steven Culp from Desperate Housewives toying with a southern accent. He introduces his wife Sarah (glammed up to only about 7.5 so as to make Fi look better) and says he hired them because someone's trying to steal "Libby," a lighter and more powerful lithium ion battery that he has sitting there in a standard stainless-steel MacGuffin case. He knows he's a target because someone already broke into his car and stole his laptop. This news does not worry Sam and Fi nearly as much as it should. Fi suggests canceling the party, and he says it's Libby's debut. "If you catch anybody, shoot 'em."

Sam and Fi get to work, checking over the place before the guests arrive. The doorbell rings, while Sam and Christian are on the top floor. Fi just barely stops Sarah from answering the door to what she thinks will be the caterers, but what is in fact a masked hit squad. Fi might be making some unwarranted assumptions about Miami caterers, but in this case she turns out to be right. She barricades herself and Sarah (now "Sarah -- The Client," per the subtitles) in the ground-floor bathroom while the thugs keep Sam and Christian pinned down upstairs. Hearing the men talking outside, and able to either understand the Spanish they're speaking or read the subtitles on the screen like she's on Electric Company, Fi decides to surrender -- which means that when the thugs break in and haul Sarah out, Fi follows them, saying her husband has a lot of money too. So in Spanish, the men decide to make it a "two-fer." And with that, both women are chloroformed and stuffed into the back of a van. And now Sam has to call Michael and break the news that kidnappers got the client and Fiona. Lucky for Sam, the commercials hit before he has to explain himself.

In the aftermath, Christian is beating himself up for assuming this was all about him and his battery, which has presumably been moved to the catering van to join the other red herrings. Jesse and Michael have since arrived and are working the place like a crime scene, digging out a bullet that points to Mexican kidnappers. That's the only lead they have -- because God forbid they ever call the cops to catch bad guys before they're 98% caught already -- until they get a "webcam call." Michael sits down at the computer to take on the role of the negotiator. While he's doing this, he's also VOing that if a kidnapper keeps his mask on, it means he doesn't plan to kill you. Which must be why Fi looks so scared to see the face of Yancey Arias from Kingpin looming over her. Or maybe it's just his nose mole. Oh, but then Michael's VO goes on to add that if a kidnapper lets you see his face, it means you're dead so that you can never testify against him. Of course the kidnapper doesn't know that nobody ever testifies on this show anyway. Sarah relays the kidnappers' message that they want ten million for each of them. Michael asks for some time to get the cash, and is given 24 hours. After the kidnapper ends the call with the muzzle of his gun, Michael plays it back to show Christian why they can't pay the ransom -- Fi blinked them a message in Morse code. I should learn that someday. All I know is "SOS." Well, and I suppose also "so?"

Back at the kidnapping house, the boss has the ladies dragged downstairs and apologizes to them for how his brother flung them to the ground. He introduces them "Eddy -- Hotheaded Little Brother." He gives Eddy some pretty scorched-earth instructions for covering their tracks, and promises his hostages that he'll let them go as soon as they get the ransom. Which, according to the subtitles, makes him "Jacob -- lying Big Brother." He's about to leave a guard down there with them, but Fi throws a fit about it, so he leaves them down there alone. That way Fi can get right to work with a "jewel-encrusted lockpick" borrowed from Sarah's ear. A moment later, she's broken into a locked tool closet. "Were gonna get out of here," Fi tells Sarah. Hey, watch the spoilers!

Michael drags Christian back to his loft both to keep him from calling the cops and to park him with Jesse. They put Jesse in charge of keeping word from getting out, because apparently the kidnappers will kill them both if this hits the news. Sam and Michael head back out, to try tracing where the internet signal came from, and run into Madeline in the courtyard. She brought donuts so they can talk bank robbery

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Burn Notice

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