Californication
Absinthe Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

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Absinthe Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

Hank's single again! You know what that means...Pussyman returns!

Showtime presents...Hank shopping in a depressing-looking grocery store. Grocery stores in L.A. and New York pale next to the giant ones in Texas. Some of our grocery stores have football stadiums inside the store. In case you want to buy AstroTurf or tackling dummies in the middle of the night. Anyway, Hank, wearing sunglasses indoors and his shirt partly unbuttoned, is smoking a cigarette and sipping from a giant bottle of liquor at the same time. He's trying to look cool while pushing a grocery cart. It's not really working. It looks like a bad commercial is starting. Hank grabs some cookies and tosses them in his cart. I can't wait till he gets to the produce aisle. That's gonna be so hot. Hank doesn't get there. On his way, he sees a woman wearing only tiny shorts and a rainbow bikini top with her giant tits about to pop out of them. Why, no, this isn't a male Hollywood writer's fantasy, why do you ask? Hank goes, "Yikes," which I said in my head for completely different reasons. The FHM model asks if Hank knows anything about wine. Hank, seriously trying to rock the shirt-unbuttoned-to-the-navel look, says wine is fine, but whiskey is quickah. Eeeeeeright. The woman says suicide is slow with liquor. "Sabbath," she says. Already? I thought it was Monday. Hank says, "Ozzy. Solo." He raises the devil horns. Hook 'em! She looks at his cigarettes and says those things will kill ya. Hank says life will kill you. This show is killing me. Owwwwwww.

A beat later, Hank ends up behind the woman in line. She's paying in coinage. The tired-looking cashier, who is probably just as hot as the woman in line when she's not made to look frumpy with bad makeup and shitty costuming, is not amused. Hank pitches in some cash. The FHM model pretends to not want to take his money, but Hank says that unless she has some "fuck-you money" up her "whosie-whatsit," she's shit out of luck. Where were these brilliant lines when I was young and single!? I could have fucked everybody! Twice! The woman says he's sweet. And cute. Hey...this might sound crazy, but this is Showtime. Why don't we go to your place and go fuck each other? Just for kicks! The cashier rolls her eyes. FHM exits. Hank is left with the annoyed cashier. Hank explains that he loves all women. Even her. He patronizingly says he'd make a run at her too while calling her "Crusty." Nice. Hey, you know that liquor bottle you were sipping on earlier? Why don't you finish paying for all this, then go out to the parking lot, peel the label off the bottle, take an egg from one of the grocery bags, crack the egg, rub it along the top of the bottle, take off your pants and your underwear, and shove the bottle right up your ass? That would be original and pithy, even for a writer of your unfettered genius. Hank exits the store holding a single bag as cheerful music plays. FHM is waiting outside holding her bottle in a brown bag. Wanna fuck? Aw, man. This is really gonna put a crimp on the whole bottle-up-the-ass thing.

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Californication

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