Californication
Fear And Loathing At The Fundraiser

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Omar G: B- | Grade It Now!
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Fear And Loathing At The Fundraiser

We open with "Showtime Presents," only in my mind, it's what we used to call it in sixth grade: "Blowtime." (Cinemax, incidentally, was the now widely used "Skinemax.") We cut to Hank's new dog, now adorably named "Yusef," sitting on the bed. Hank asks the dog what's a five-letter word for "excitable boy." "Zevon. Booyah!" Hank says. Meredith is bringing him coffee in bed, which is like some forbidden dream yanked right out of my head. Hank has a crossword puzzle in front of him, and if there were a laptop somewhere in the scene, this would be Omar's Perfect Sunday Morning (subtract dog, add cute cat, find a place for a crib in the room). Hank brings up last night, which he says was when they took things to a whole other level, sexually speaking. Let's hope she agrees. Meredith asks why he wants to relive it the next morning. Hank says you get to remember the fun without the inevitable come-down. Wow, that really makes you deep, dude, that moment of post-sex blues. Meredith says that they need to talk. Hank's reluctant to talk, because no good can come of this.

Meredith says that they've been spending a lot of time in the bedroom, which is fine, but her last relationship was crappy and was totally based in the bedroom. Hank asks if he should fuck her in the shower instead. My wife, who hasn't watched this show until now, asks suddenly, "Why is Duchovny doing this shitty show?" For comedic effect (and I swear this actually happened at this moment), my baby daughter takes an audible shit in her diaper that makes us both laugh. "Even she thinks it's shitty!" my wife announces. You can't argue with a three-week-old TV critic, folks. Maybe the baby's poop is stifling discussion on the forum, too. Hank gets the message (from Meredith, not from the baby): she wants to go out on the town with Hank on her arm. He's down with that; he'll do anything. Meredith says there's a fundraiser. "No, can't do that," he says suddenly. He says it sounds terrible. She says it's at Hank's firm. His firm what? Hank says he's not one for causes, good or otherwise. Meredith tells him that apathy kills. Hank takes her hand and pulls it under the sheet and onto his crotch. He asks if that feels like apathy to her. It feels like apenith, not apathy, but only with a lisp.

Film-school-reject opening credits. They're still awful. When we return, Hank is going to Exy's house. She answers the door, and because it's not a close-up, it looks like a completely different person with big wavy hair, a nice dress, and jewelry. Hank is stunned and says she doesn't look half bad. The top half. Hank asks about Becca. Exy says that she's bummed. Hank says this thing just came up. Beccabot 3000 appears in the doorway. "Dad?" she asks. He produces a small gift bag, which she pegs as a bribe. It's a Sidekick, sans box. Beccabot, who appreciates a good piece of fellow technology, says it's awesome. Exy's annoyed, because they agreed not to get her a cell phone. But it's not a phone; it's a mobile messenger! Hank says that Becca can use it whenever she's pissed at Exy and "Lurch." Beccabot, who has lost some of her goth clothing, asks if Hank's going on a date. He says that he is. She asks if the woman is as cool as Mom. Hank says that's not possible. Beccabot says that if it's a real date and not a random hookup, she approves. But she wants details later. Oh, God, the details, child. Those will damage you the most. Exy pretends to be annoyed with Hank, especially when he leans in to sniff her. She asks about his date and whether he's taking her to Red Lobster or Denny's. Hank says he got roped into going to a fundraiser at the agency. Exy's smile fades.

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Californication

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