Hank at home. He goes to the Hell-A Web site. He gets frustrated with his PC laptop and throws it across the room. He starts to write in voice-over as he types on a laptop at an Apple store. The product placement...so delicious and rich! Hank starts to throw down some cheap-ass one-liners after introducing himself by saying he hates us all. He says he won't go down in history, but he will go down on your sister. Also? He is fourteen years old. The camera lovingly fondles all the Apple products. Applefornication. Hank riffs on pubic hair as he amuses the shit out of himself in public with his absolute genius. As L.A. Woman plays, Hank asks why the town is so hell-bent on destroying its female population. Like you do with your dick?
Ugly transition shots. More driving. More L.A. Woman. Hank is at Exy's house. Mia is swimming in a lap pool and emerges, wearing a bikini. She teases him about his age. Hank says he's not old. She brings up the words "statutory rape." Bill shows up and tells her to go put on some clothes. Mia says it's nothing Hank hasn't seen before. She leaves. Bill, the putz, is glad Hank came over so they can make peace and be, like, bros and shit. Hank says he's not gonna let Bill steal his family. "Game on, Broheme," he tells Bill. Hank throws his cigarette in the pool. Exy shows up with a woman whom Hank immediately starts to hit on. She has read his work. Hank pulls Exy aside and she confirms that it's a set-up and that she's not holding a torch for Hank. Hank is downing a bottle of liquor. We cut to him taking some prescription pills from their bathroom. Fucked up, he joins the family and friends at the dinner table, which is right next to the pool. The blind date puts a hand on Hank's leg. Hank's other leg gets attention from Mia, who is sitting to his right. As everyone plays crotch-grab, Becca asks for a dog. Hank says yes. Bill, fucking putz, says no, then apologizes to Hank for saying it. Lame "happy ending" joke. Blind Date asks how Exy and Bill met. Hank says that Exy was hired to redesign this house and they fell in love. Hank talks shit about Exy being a trophy wife who gets to live in her own Barbie Dream House. Kick the shit out of him, Bill! You putz! Becca tells the story of how Hank and Exy met. She was in art school and playing music. He'd published his first novel. They met at CBGB's. She read his writing and they fell in love. Becca came along nine months later, but they never got married. Mia's boyfriend honks outside and she leaves, but not before giving Li'l Duchovny a squeeze. Blind Date's husband left her in a gay affair. Hank says it could be worse; he could have been a Scientologist. Blind Date says she's a Scientologist. "Or a Nazi!" Hank offers. Eep.