Californication
Hell-A Woman

Episode Report Card
Omar G: C- | 4 USERS: A+
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Hell-A Woman

Hank is lying on the couch of his agent's office. (Do I even need to mention it's the great Evan Handler?) Hank says something dirty about Charlie's assistant. Charlie's not as fond of her. Hank noticed a back tattoo and says that means she likes it "in the pooper." It's like they cut and pasted dialogue from Superbad and took out all the funny. Hank keeps talking about Charlie's crappy assistant. Charlie asks how Hank's new book is coming. Hank rolls over toward the couch and says that's a hostile question. Charlie says Hank's owed the publisher a book since Becca was breastfeeding. Charlie says he used to like watching Karen (Exy has a name!) do that. "Kiss my black ass," Hank says. Charlie says that Hank has burned every bridge except the offer to blog for Hell-A magazine. The assistant drops off some coffee. Hank offers to ask "Dani California" what she thinks about the magazine. She says he'd be perfect for them. He asks if she has nipple rings. She smiles. She has a nose ring. Charlie asks if that means she likes it in the nose.

Hank is at a bar with a British lady from Hell-A. She says he could take a shotgun blast to all the pretentious people in his once-great town. Hank says it's never been his town. She tells him to use the blog. She says he's got balls and asks him to come over to the dark side. He thinks he has nothing to say. She says it's a shame she's in a relationship and purrs to him that she wants him to write something for her. Hank agrees. She leaves. He finds the folded-up paper airplane in his pocket. There's a phone number.

And, just like that, he's got his hands on the ass of the girl from the convertible. As they kiss (her naked, him not so much), she asks what he does. He says it's nothing of substance. "My tits," she says suddenly. She asks him to look at them and evaluate. She wants to make them bigger. He says they're almost perfect. Now she wants to know about her lips. He says they're kissable. "Not those lips," she says. She shows him and asks if they're "Too flappy." All right, look...is it too late for me to write weecaps about Extreme Makeover: Home Edition instead? This is just so incredibly dirty. Incidentally, I hear Duchovny's balls are actually a little flappy around the edges. She says she was thinking of getting vaginal rejuvenation so they don't look like day-old deli meat. I want my $13 back. Hank loses his boner and gets hungry. She fellates him. He finds a DVD nearby. It's her on the cover of a porno. Hank is somehow surprised at this. She thought he recognized her. A baby starts to cry. Hank asks if she should go see to her baby. Porny Fellatesalot says not to worry and that the baby will quiet down. Hank pulls her up, kisses her on the forehead, and tells her to go be with her daughter. He says he's taking the DVD for further study. Hank leaves as the porn actress smiles at him. The baby's still crying.

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Californication

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