Meet Hank! He's totally irreverent; you can tell because he drives around L.A. in a convertible while wearing black, smokes, and has cool-guy chats with Jesus Christ in a church during the opening seconds of the premiere episode. Oh, that Hank! So irrepressible!
Hank's a writer who's suffering from writer's block, he tells Jesus. He's got stubble and floppy hair, but it helps that he looks just like David Duchovny. A helpful and hot nun interrupts his conversation with The Lord to offer him a blowjob right in the church. Then she kneels down and gets right to it. Peee-yew. Hank helpfully holds up a hand to avert Jesus's gaze. But it's just a dream! The blonde is actually just some girl waking him up with a very similar, but slightly less spiritual, blowjob. The last scene was totally just to let us know Hank Has Issues. Getting laid a lot probably helps, though. Hank talks about oral sex with the topless non-nun in bed while they smoke and she tells him that her husband never gives her orgasms. This is why you're paying $13 a month for Showtime, folks. Hank goes to submit an oral report of his own, but is interrupted when the woman's husband comes home, yelling. Instead of cowering, the woman giggles while Hank shows us his ass, gets his shorts on and ducks out of the beachfront home. Oh, that Hank! The husband, a tattoo'd dude who looks like Fred Durst's angry little brother, threatens Hank, but not before getting annoyed that he's being cuckolded by a guy who looks almost sixty. Hank advises the guy where to find the man in the boat with some helpful tongue-and-finger gestures. Hank makes a getaway in his Porsche convertible as the guy yells. "You Can't Always Get What You Want" plays. It's the title, "Californication," over a song that's not by the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
Hank goes to pick up his daughter, who's about the same age as Ari's girl from Entourage. She's wearing lots of black and red. Her mom is the woman from The Truman Show, and I don't think she's aged a day since. Not like Jim Carrey. (Shudder.) She seems bemused by Hank, especially because he's just wearing his little shorts and is inviting them to go to a no-pants restaurant with him. Oh, that Hank!