Episode Report Card
Omar G: C+ | 2 USERS: A+

Hank takes his daughter home, and she wants to watch Pirates while he suggests Yellow Submarine. He does a tiresome spiel about watching a movie based on a theme-park ride, but his daughter thinks Johnny Depp is hot. That is the conventional wisdom, yes. Oh, Duchovny...I love you, but don't try to compete with The Depp. The daughter, Becca, finds a naked lady in his bed. Oh, that hank...y panky! "There's no hair on her vagina," the daughter notes. $13! The woman, a very naked brunette who still hasn't bothered to put her clothes on, later apologizes for trying to surprise poor Hank. He says maybe they should cool things off. She goes into a rant, obviously not enchanted with the idea of breaking up. She thinks Hank was getting revenge on her husband, the guy who turned his novel into a "big, shitty movie." But I thought Joel Schumacher was gay. Hank comes to the realization that she's probably right. She tells him the movie is actually better than the book. Hank calls her a "cadaverous slut" with shitty taste in movies. He's a gentleman, he is. Becca walks in, bringing them both beers. She asks if this is the new girlfriend. No, honey, she's just a cadaverous slut.

Later, Becca's mom comes to pick her up. Becca, having wrapped her dad in a blanket on the couch as he sleeps, wishes they could take him home. She asks mom not to yell at him. Mom's got hair on her vagina and it's exactly what Hank needs, she thinks. You know how most pilots constantly say the names of the characters to drill them into your head? Not so much with this one. Becca's mom, who still has no name, is furious about the cadaverous slut. She threatens to take away what little custody Hank has. Hank asks if she's jealous and fumes about her taking legal advice from her boyfriend. He rages at her about cheating on him while they were still married. She shoots back that they were never actually married. She says he turned into a cliché, Googling himself. He says he never cheated on her, at least not physically. She claims that she and her boyfriend never did it until she and Hank were dead and buried. She thinks he's sticking his Little Hank in everything that moves to get back at her, and the worst part is that he's not writing. Obligatory pep talk about how his amazing writing talent is being wasted. Hate to break it to you, but most writers like this guy write novels so they can get laid as often as he does. Sounds like it's a mission-accomplished situation. Hank acknowledges that he's fucked-up and needs help. He tries to kiss her awkwardly, which leads to the revelation that she's getting married. That really kills the mood. Hank's upset and wishes he had a say in the matter. Dude, you don't. Becca, who I now realize looks a bit like she'll grow up to be Lily Allen, is ready to go home. Hank gives his ex a condescending handshake. He's not so fun when he's heartbroken.

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