Californication
The Whore Of Babylon

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Omar G: B- | Grade It Now!
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The Whore Of Babylon

I've decided to stop judging Hank and his actions this week. Just like everybody just sort of indulges Barney on How I Met Your Mother, I'm going to just grin and bear Hank's self-destructive, boorish, poor-me-writer assholery. Let's see if I can make it through an entire episode the way a drunken co-pilot might.

We open on "Showtime Presents" just before the camera pans across an L.A. street. The marquee at Book Soup reads, "TONIGHT HANK MOODY. BOOKSIGNING BOOKSOUP-COM." Let's pretend book people actually put that up instead of people who can't form correct signage. We hear Hank say in voice over that once upon a time, he wrote a book that people dug. I dug it! He says he wrote another, then a third, then Hollywood came knocking on his back door. We see a man parking a giant yellow Hummer, possibly borrowed from Entourage. He parks as angrily as one can and gets out of the vehicle, storming into the bookstore, where Hank is telling people that he sucked on the giant erection of Hollywood money like a good whore should. You tell 'em, Hank! The man walks through the bookstore crowd and yells, "Moody!" You should do something about that! Perhaps some antidepressants!? Hank introduces the man as Todd Carr, the "caramel-coated, chrome-domed" director who adapted his novel into Crazy Little Thing Called Love. I don't think you're supposed to call black people "caramel-coated," Hank, but I've still got your back! Hank manages to say the guy "wiped his ass" on the novel and use the word "craptastic" to describe the movie, all in one long sentence. The bookstore people halfheartedly go, "Boooo." They obviously never read the book. "My people," Hank says. Today, I am your people, Hank. Me.

Carr asks if Hank is still whining about whoring himself to Hollywood and says that the dude's no Faulkner. Hey, buddy, Faulkner you! "You're no Brett-fuckin'-Ratner," Hank tells Carr. Ouch. That's really hitting below the belt. Hank decides that could actually be a compliment. The crowd murmurs something that's like laughter but much, much weaker. Hank takes the low, low, low road by saying he thought Carr was there because he fucked the dude's wife in every room of their house. He apologizes for the rug: "I didn't realize the old lady was a squirter." Resolve. Breaking! Tough to be...this guy's...wingman! Carr, of course, goes after Hank, and they wrestle, bumping into some of the bookworms. Carr rears his elbow back and punches Hank right in the dick. Ooey! Hank punches Carr in the face.

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Californication

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