Amanda laughs hysterically at Clarice for jumping when she mentioned her crazytime, and Clarice bats at her face with the Delphi letter, hoping she's joking: Visions of the dead are one thing, but if this bitch is certifiably crazy then we're all in trouble. That is such Clarice logic. Amanda continues giggling: "I'm serious, I lost it! I lost my frakkin' mind. I was seeing my dead brother everywhere!" Clarice caresses her cheek sadly, and Amanda admits that she dropped out of college and spent six months chasing Darius down hallways both real and imaginary. ("Dropped out of life," she says, echoing her daughter elsewhere, and proving in this very moment that it doesn't take the Matrix to let yourself drown.) Finally she sits up to take another hit and get maudlin, leaning wanly against The Olde Headboard.
"They say that surviving is the punishment for leaving things left unsaid." Clarice points out, correctly, that this is a vile fucking thing to think or say, and Amanda says maybe she's the one that coined the phrase. "I left so much unsaid. There were so many things that I didn't say, and I wasted so much time. And then he died... And I was left." Amanda's crazy is a lot less scary when she's crying hysterically. This cold, measured crazy is heebiejeebie town. She keeps saying how she's still being punished, maybe her entire life and Zoë's death and everything are her punishment, and Clarice gets right up in her face like a BFF. Like a stoned, bisexual cult-member BFF, petting your hair and wiping your tears and getting all up in your situation.
"Listen to me. God does not want you to punish yourself. He loves you unconditionally. He made you in His image. We don't know the reasons why, when He takes those that we love. Like Darius. Or Zoë. We just have to give ourselves over to His final judgment. We have to trust in His wisdom. And if you can learn how to do that, then you're gonna be free from... From all the pain of these terrible years." Wow, Willow. A good seven G-bombs in that little speech, which is clearly helping Amanda immensely, obviously. I love that it's a speech you could easily give about the Gods, probably a speech she herself has given a million times about the Gods, but... Way to show your cards. These ladies are unsupervised.
"Now, you just have to... Trust Him, Amanda. Trust God." Amanda's eyes finally focus, and her voice gets a little firmer: "Which God? Which one? Which God do I trust?" And they're both so fucked up I can't tell which, but maybe all of the following are true: 1) Amanda is giving Clarice a polite way to retract her glaring mistake here. 2) Atheist-ish Amanda is honestly asking which of her Gods can give her solace now. 3) Amanda is asking Clarice whether to go mono and leave the Old Gods altogether. Clarice's total abject fear in this moment, as she pulls her hand off Amanda like it's burning, would seem to suggest she's not sure either. But with Amanda, who the fuck knows? Not herself, for sure, as she's always been plainly aware of what a Magic Eightball she tends to be. Still, I'm all manner of excited for next week because it could go a million places from here.