Hot And Bothered

Episode Report Card
Aaron: A | Grade It Now!
Lust in the Dust Redux
'Twas the week before Thanksgiving, and throughout the Crowe house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even an incestuous mouse;
The crucifix was hung by the window with care,
In hopes that Brother Justin soon would be there;

Iris was nestled all snug in her bed,
While visions of smelly whips danced in her head;
The Bible sat proud on the bedside table,
While I recapped the scene, as best as I'm able;

When out on the hall there arose such a clatter,
I hit TiVo fast-forward to see what was the matter.
And there he stood, like a ghost in the night,
Brother Justin was back, and ready to fight;

He tenderly stoked his dear sister's face,
And she awoke with start, and reached for the Mace;
"Shhh," he whispered, covering her mouth.
And that's when the scene started to go south;

For the hand was soon replaced by lips and a tongue,
Almost as if he wanted to lick big sister's lung;
But alas, this moment of perverse sibling bliss,
Was interrupted by my shouts of, "And then they kiss!"

"Now, Chris! Now, Cathy! Now, Leto and Ghanima!
On, Judith! On Charles Bon! On, Billy and Brenda!
Their love is so wrong! It leaves me appalled!
There'll be InYay and therapy and vomit for all!"

And so Iris sat up, and stared at her brother,
With much the same look Michael Jackson gets from his mother;
And then Justin exclaimed, about this episode you won't want to miss,
"There'll be baptisms for all, and hot sex with my sis!"

Carnieland. A still sleepy Ben is again watching Adrienne Barbeau's snake act, as the camera fades wildly in and out of focus. Boy, those former Six Feet Under directors sure do love their Bong Cam, don't they? Adrienne, meanwhile, is attired in her finest Snake-arella leather pantsuit, and I find myself experiencing a minor wave of late-seventies erotic nostalgic frisson. A non-Pa Pimperson barker exhorts the crowd to tip their lovely dancer, mostly by claiming that the snake she's waltzing with could kill her in "the blink of an eye." Insert your own obligatory symbolic reference to Ben's inability to sleep here. The rather boisterous audience members shower the stage with coins, and Ben scampers out from his position in the wings to begin collecting them. And then we get a really weird cut, as we immediately go to a shot of him handing over a full bag of coins to Adrienne, when we just saw him starting to pick them up less than a second ago. Ordinarily, I wouldn't even bother mentioning something like that, but we've already had issues with coins vanishing off the floor on this show, so who knows what it could mean? After handing over the money, Ben leaves awkwardly without saying another word. He's also got even more dirt than normal on his face this week, so maybe we're just supposed to assume that his lips have finally crusted over and he's switched to photosynthesis instead of eating.

Later that night, long after the show has ended, we find Jonesy and Ma Cooch getting it on in that wooden shower stall the carnies have. What's really odd about this scene, however, is that it's pretty clear they've been in there for quite some time already, and yet there's still steam coming off the dripping water. Yeah, right. I can't even get that much hot water in my own home, never mind in whatever Depression-era porta-potty contraption the rousties have managed to rig up here. Then again, why the hell am I bitching about minor continuity details when there's a hot naked woman on my screen? Not to mention her hot (although unfortunately fully-clothed) daughter, no less, as Libby also stumbles across this illicit and adulterous little tableau. Much like Sofie last week, however, Libby just stands there and watches silently while Ma squeals like the proverbial little red pig. As a public service announcement, I'd just like to be sure that everyone reading these recaps is fully aware of the fact that the proper response to walking in on your parents having sex with each other or anyone else is to SCREAM IN TERROR AND THEN RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN. And then go seek professional psychiatric help. Ew. In any event, I've decided to skip recapping all the lurid details of this scene, but that's just because I'm cruel, and I like to torment the Limpies whenever I can. And also because I'm writing this at work, and I don't want my boss to wander by and think I'm composing a letter to Penthouse Forum or something. I will say, however, that Jonesy is a bit of a groaner.

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