Carnivale
Lonnigan, Texas

Episode Report Card
Aaron: B- | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Take my wife. Please.

Boy, Ben always manages to miss the good stuff, doesn't he? While all this was going on, he was apparently searching for Samson all over Carnieland, because he's just now finding him to report back with the bad news. "I told you I ain't never done this before," he says, as he flings the now half-empty envelope of money back onto the table. "So if you want to chew me out, go right ahead." He also explains that "some weasel" gave him bad directions, and then stole Lobster Girl right out from under him. "Some weasel, huh?" asks Samson. "Sounds like the kid's got your number, Phin." And just like that, Phineas Boffo steps out of the mist, demanding that Ben return his ring. Ben pulls it out of his pocket, but before he can hand it over, Samson grabs it out of his hand. This allows the boss to note the "In Hoc Signo Vinces" crest (which will be important later), and also to describe the thing as a "Cracker Jack panty-whistle." Heh. Next time someone shows me their new engagement ring, I'm totally going to compliment them on their taste in panty-whistles. Phineas gets all pissy (get it?), and claims that the ring is ten-carat gold and cost a whopping nineteen dollars. Then he tries to act all tough, and claims he would have beaten Ben to a pulp if it weren't for his abiding carnie-code respect for Samson. Yeah, yeah. Whatever, Phineas. We've seen you pissing, so I can't really respect your pretension of manliness. And then he finally leaves, which gives Samson the chance to count the money remaining in the envelope. Ever the mathematical wizard, he quickly deduces that Ben is seven dollars short. "I'll make it good," snarls Ben, who's even grumpier than normal at this point. "Yeah, you will," replies Samson. Why do people keep saying that to Ben?

And now for the moment all you Limpies have been waiting for. Jonesy paces back and forth outside Ma Cooch's tent, taking a couple of extra-large swigs from a bottle to help restore his confidence. He's just about to bail on the whole idea when Ma appears in the doorway, looking almost as nervous as he is, but inviting him inside nonetheless. Once there, she finds a convenient chair and adopts the famed Mrs. Robinson leg crook as she strips off her stockings. "Do you want me to seduce you?" she asks. Okay, not really. Instead she just observes that it's been a rough night, and keeps right on removing her undergarments. Jonesy, who has seated himself on the bed, tries to change his mind and leave, but by this point Ma has situated herself between his legs and is busily working to remove his knee brace. Ever the smooth talker, Jonesy announces that even though he thinks Ma is pretty and he likes her just fine, he's still never paid for sex before. Damn. No wonder this guy never gets laid. He manages one more feeble "don't" as Ma tries to unbuckle his pants, but apparently no only means no on this show when there are gas station attendants or horny zombie miners involved. She slowly pulls down his pants, but this isn't Oz, so we don't get a dick shot. We do, however, get a scar shot, as Ma takes in his horribly mangled knee for the very first time. Jonesy looks embarrassed, and flinches a bit as she reaches out to trace one of the scars. Then she leans in and starts licking the knee, which makes Jonesy start to cry. Oddly enough, I had the exact same response. Plushies and knee jobs, all in one week? Man, I've just got all the luck, don't I? Maybe Pamie will let me take Tarzan for a while. I hear that guy likes to keep his clothes on. Ma slowly kisses her way up to his face, and Jonesy finally gets into the spirit of things. And so they mack, carnie-style.

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Carnivale

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