Lonnigan, Texas

Episode Report Card
Aaron: B- | 1 USERS: A+
Take my wife. Please.

In another tent, Pa Pimp and Jonesy are getting very drunk and futzing around with some sort of giant Lazy Susan device. Jonesy, as usual, is bemoaning the sad state of his love life. "The words come out of my mouth," he explains, "and by the time they hit her eardrums it's like a whole different sound. Also, wocka-wocka bling blah blee defectorating." Here's Pa Pimp's wisdom on the subject of women: "Talking to a woman is like listening to the radio." Sing it, my brother! "That's right," agrees Jonesy. "And it's dialed permanently to a program called 'Jonesy Is A Bonehead.'" Heh. I know a lot of Limpies that would love to tune that one in. Needing a segue to move the scene along, Jonesy somehow manages to cut one of his fingers, so he grabs the bottle away from Pa Pimp and splashes some alcohol onto the cut. While all this is going on, Pa is struck by a flash of inspiration. "You need to get your candle waxed," he tells Jonesy, using what I'm assuming is a quaint euphemism for sex and not a reference to the abnormally dim lighting in this scene. Pa then goes on to say that Jonesy has the worst case of blue balls he's ever seen, which isn't all that surprising considering that we all already know how much Jonesy loves to show off his balls. Pa also relates the tale of one "Ernie Bengstrom," who suffered a testicular "blow-out" when he went two years without sex following a divorce. "His left nut popped just like a damn cherry bomb," adds Pa. Yeah. Ouch. Thanks for that, Mr. Pimperson. Jonesy laughs off the story by saying that it's bull, but also silently resolves to give himself a thorough scrotal self-examination at the earliest opportunity. Although I'm not sure why he's worried, because if it really has been that long since he's had sex, I'm betting he's also been performing a thorough scrotal self-examination just about every single night when he's alone in his trailer.

Things take a dramatic turn towards the direction of "Ewwww!" when Pa offers up what he considers to be the perfect solution to Jonesy's problem: Ma Cooch. An understandably freaked-out Jonesy refuses to even consider the idea, but Pa insists that Ma is a pro, and further asserts that Jonesy would actually be doing him a favor. "She's a high-stepper, that Rita Sue," claims Pa. "She's wearing me out. She needs a LOT of loving." Jonesy's heart isn't exactly bleeding for the guy, but Pa isn't finished. "I ain't kidding around," he shouts. "I'm chapped halfway up to my belly button! I need a relief pitcher here." Ahh. So maybe that's why they call him Stumpy. Pa pretty much orders Jonesy to fuck his wife, and seems mortally offended when Jonesy continues to refuse. He tells Jonesy to come by after the show that night, and that it'll be totally fine whether he shows up or not. He makes it quite clear, however, that it actually won't be fine at all if Jonesy doesn't show. How come stuff like this never happens to me?

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