The Day Of The Dead

Episode Report Card
Aaron: B+ | Grade It Now!
Sister? But I just kissed her!

The scant few remaining audience members not currently suffering from glaucoma, macular degeneration, or giant, flaming, sulfuric-acid-coated skewers in their eyeballs have reported to me that our final scene of the night takes place back in Carnieland. I'm told Gabriel comes home to find his mother still lying on the floor, and immediately whips off his false sling to investigate. "Get Ben," she croaks, proving that she either knows about his healing powers, or is already planning ahead and wants to make sure they have enough dirt to cover her coffin. Gabe quickly locates Ben in a nearby tent, and they both rush back to the trailer, where Ben determines that Adrienne is no longer breathing. He carries her unconscious body out to a car, and then orders Gabe to stay put there at the carnival while he goes out to heal her. "Remember how I fixed your arm?" he asks. "I'll fix her, too." Hmm. That bit of exposition seemed totally unnecessary until I finally remembered that we're dealing with the two dumbest men on earth here. "What's an arm?" asks Gabe. "Who's this dead lady in the car?" wonders Ben.

Okay, not really. Instead, Ben just drives Adrienne out into the wilderness somewhere. He lays her lifeless body down in front of the headlights, and immediately tries to apply his special healing touch. No, not that "special healing touch." But only because he couldn't find a sock. Unfortunately, however, Ben's powers seem to have surprisingly deserted him for the moment. Hmm. Too much dirt under his fingernails, perhaps? Or maybe it's the hair on his palms from all those times he could find a sock. He keeps trying and trying and trying, but nothing seems to work. I also think it's safe to say that he's not attempting CPR, because he probably can't spell "CPR," and we all know there's no way he's ever going to indulge in the mortal sin of mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Besides, "resuscitation" has like five syllables in it, and that's six too many for Ben. He finally lowers his head to rest it tearfully against her lifeless chest, and then we fade to black for the final time.

Next week: Will Ruthie live? Will Justin and Iris fuck? Is Sofie pregnant? Who is the Child of Light? Who is the Child of Darkness? Has Jonesy jiggled for the last time? What happened in St. Louis between Lodz and Management? Can Ma and Pa Cooch's marriage be saved? Who is Private Funboy? What's up with Creepy Ugly Naked Tattooed Guy? Where the hell is that cornfield? Will this show get renewed? Does Sofie like boys or girls? What ever happened to the twins? Does Samson know more than he's saying? Have you seen my bear? Can Lodz control Ben's powers? What does "Tavatara" mean? Why is Ben wanted for murder? What happened in the old country? Who's related to whom? How many rousties are there, anyway? Who is Management? Why is Spain? And most importantly, why do so many people care about the ultimate fate of a smelly, unlikeable moron who's never said a nice word to anyone? The answers to at least some of these questions will probably be revealed in the big season finale. On the other hand, they might not. This is Carnivàle, after all.

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