The River

Episode Report Card
Aaron: B- | Grade It Now!
He ain't heavy, he's my brother!

And fade back up on Brother Justin, once again perched precariously on the edge of the bridge. Officer Bobby Ewing is more successful in his attempts to talk Clancy down this time, and Justin is soon brought back over the railing on onto firmer ground. "This was not visited upon me," he moans. "This is my birthright. My birthright!" The cops put him back on his feet, and Justin slowly wanders away.

Which segues us right back to Iris and Tommy "See Me, Feel Me" Dolan, who is utterly enraptured by the tale. "That's quite a story," he finally manages. "More of a parable, really," answers Iris. Heh. "In Russia, there's a saying," she continues. "Pray to God, but row for shore. Faith and action. That's how I live my life, Mr. Dolan." "And speaking of action," he smarms, "what do you say us two kooky whippersniffers hit the bedroom?" Fade to black.

Morning in Carnieland. Ma Cooch stomps over to find Pa slumped on one of the picnic tables. She throws a notepad down in front of him, and demands that he compose an ad to find them a new "professional" cooch dancer. Pa is horrified by the very idea, and somewhat timidly insists that he and Libby are still planning on leaving. "No, you won't," answers a cool and collected Ma Cooch. "You ain't gonna leave me. You don't even know how to begin to leave me." Ooh, burn. And you can call her a bitch if you want, but there's no denying she's totally right.

Ben, meanwhile, is leading Gabriel out into a field somewhere. I'm giving double-bonus points for the composition on this shot, by the way, because they've got just the very top of the Ferris wheel visible over the edge of a ridge. That's probably CGI, but it's still nicely done. Gabe's got his arm in a sling, and despite the fact that Ben is the one who put it there, he still seems perfectly willing to follow the guy out into the middle of nowhere. I guess we've finally found someone dumber than Ben. The two boys wade out into the middle of small pond that's formed in the depression between two hills, and Gabe at long last manages to register some confusion about what the hell might be going on here. Ben makes him promise to not to tell anyone, and then bends him over and orders him to squeal like a pig. Or maybe he just holds Gabe's wrist and heals it. This really confuses Gabe, who is shocked that he's able to move his wrist without any pain. And then the other shoe drops, and hundreds of dead fish begin floating up to the surface. Wow. It looks like just like the fish tank I had in college. I'll leave you all to wonder how that many fish got into a totally land-locked pond that's no more than twenty feet across and three feet deep, because I've totally stopped caring about things like that.

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