It's 1984. Carrie Bradshaw doesn't know she's Carrie Bradshaw yet, but she does know how to deliver an almost-constant narration.

Carrie's mom is dead from cancer. This is important. Also, she has a 14-year old sister named "Dorrit." Carrie can't go to school without her mom's purse because it's totally a thing, Dad, and you just wouldn't understand. Dad really doesn't understand, acting surprisingly insensitive for a man whose wife just died three months ago and left him with a "troubled" daughter named Dorrit.

Carrie has three friends, three enemies, and one love interest in high school. The friends are a smart shy Asian named "The Mouse," a slutty friend with boobs, and a closeted gay guy who is dating the slutty one. Her enemy is Donna LeDonna, whose friends are called "The Jens." You don't want to be one of "The Jens" in high school, but you do want to be the person who grows up to come up with these character names. Speaking of bullshit names, her love interest's name is Sebastian Kidd.

Carrie and Sebastian connected after one hot, pool-filled summer, during which they kissed and unintentionally referenced Dirty Dancing. Carrie is still a virgin, and worried about it. The school is having a dance and she wants to ask Sebastian but faints before she can get the chance.

Carrie's mom-death-related fainting spell prompts her dad to suggest an internship at a law firm in Manhattan for one day a week. This is Carrie's dream (in more ways than one), so she's excited. Day one of her questionable internship, Carrie rips her pantyhose due to constantly being bumped into when she's marveling at the city.

Carrie's oddly-chaste-and-God-fearing-but-divorced supervisor suggests Carrie go to Century 21 for some new stockings. At the department store, Carrie meets Larissa, a fabulous black British shoplifter who works for Interview magazine and only shoplifts because she can. Carrie thought she was a mugger but she's totally not. Larissa only steals from The Man. Larissa invites Carrie to a party, but it's the same night as that dance she wants to see Sebastian at. Life-altering decisions.

Larissa sends Carrie a dress at work, which the confusingly stale supervisor remarks looks like "something that singer would wear ... you know, the one who takes the Lord's name in vain?" She's talking about Madonna, which sways Carrie's decision toward living it up at some party in 1980s New York. This turns out to be the right choice, as Carrie enjoys free champagne, artists and gay men in New York City, while relatively little happens at the high school dance.

Donna LeDonna tries to steal Sebastian away, but they really only ended up smoking together in a red sports car. It seems like a non-issue. Carrie's sister Dorrit goes missing, but comes back and hardly fights with anyone before taking all her dark makeup off and going through the late Mrs. Bradshaw's closet with the rest of her family. Carrie's dad accepts that his wife is gone, Sebastian shows up at the pool again, and Carrie finds some of her mother's old diaries to begin The Carrie Diaries we were promised.