Carrie Diaries
Pilot

Episode Report Card
Carla Sparks: C- | 11 USERS: A-
YOU GRADE IT
Girls Just Wanna Have Inner Monologues

"I need a piece of her," Carrie tells her father, void of subtlety. In an important moment linking the super-past to the not-so-distant past of Sex and the City, Carrie's blank slate/Will Schuester of a dad lets her into her mom's closet to pick out some clothes and accessories, and find significance in a "last birthday" dress that I sure hope leads to a Can't Buy Me Love throwback. (I want Carrie to wear the dress out, against her father's wishes, and then to spill wine on it and the only way she can buy a new one is by dating a nerd to make him more popular. Everyone will learn a lesson about what nerds look like with their shirts off).

At school, everyone looks at Carrie as "the freak who lost her mom," except our villainess "Donna LeDonna." Donna LeDonna is a straight up bitch with no redeeming qualities. We hate her, she has minions called "the Jens" (or maybe just one giant Scandinavian guy who calls himself "The Jens"), and she has nothing better to do than use Carrie's dead mom for personal gain.

Carrie's friends are an Asian, a rambunctious slut, and a gay guy. Some things never change, holla! The friends announce that there is a new hot piece at school named "Sebastian Kidd." I can't stand these teen romance novel names, but I appreciate a toe in the pool of campier waters. Sebastian looks like that guy they wrote out of Glee for a while, but isn't. Yup, not Chord Overstreet, although that name would fit right in on this show.

It's a nice touch that the slutty friend and the gay friend are "dating." I see what you did there, show. I can't catch what the slutty friend's name is, but I know I would have been her had I the confidence or the rack. The Asian girl is called "Mouse," and she met someone over the summer. The Mouse lost her virginity to this character Seth, leaving Carrie to be the last virgin.

Naturally, there's a dance, and Carrie's friends urge her to ask Sebastian. Carrie contemplates this in a narrative, walking slowly, her arms filled with composition notebooks. I kid you not, this is exactly how I envisioned my high school self in the '80s and '90s. Something about the way Kelly Kapowski held her books. But I digress...

Carrie sits next to Sebastian on a bench and talks about what I think Eckhart Tolle calls "the thinker." But this conversation is too metaphysical for Sebastian, who is more Blaine than Ducky. Sebastian thinks it's "cool" that Carrie has "so much going on in [her] head." Sebastian touches Carrie's hand a little too soon, bringing forth a flashback to a magic Sandy and Danny type of summer, which involved pool kissing and that Dirty Dancing move.

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Carrie Diaries

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