Carrie Diaries
Pilot

Episode Report Card
Carla Sparks: C- | 11 USERS: A-
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Girls Just Wanna Have Inner Monologues

Carrie leaves with one final meaningful glance at the party, and narrates about losing her virginity, her innocence, to "Man-hattan." I nearly turned the TV off with an exaggerated click. Carrie meets her "not gay" friend at the train station and they share stories of their evenings. He shares that Donna LeDonna is after Sebastian, who happens to be in a little red sports car in the train station parking lot. Like, just parked right there in their path. They're smoking together and with very little drama/dialogue, Carrie comes out on top. After all, she has a new man pun now.

Walking back, there are police cars outside Carrie's house. She runs back to explain but no, it's Dorrit. Dorito has gone missing. It hasn't been 24 hours yet but maybe '80s cops don't care about that. Solving Dorrit's murder is another turn I'd love to see this show take, but Dorrit shows up alive and unscathed the next morning before that plot point even has time to set in.

Dorrit and Carrie exchange some half-assed "you're not my mom," sisterly dialogue and Carrie retreats to her room. Dad steps in for another Danny Tanner heart-to-heart. He acknowledges that his wife is dead, and then grounds Carrie for coming in an hour past curfew. Never mind the dress or the smell of booze or anything. It's all about curfew.

The Mouse comes over to lament to Carrie that she was used by Seth for sex. The only character whose name I know, we'll never see. To the updated cover of "Girls Wanna Have Fun," the Bradshaw family goes through dead mom's closet. Dorrit, who has gotten all the fun rebelliousness out of her system, gets the coveted green dress. Mouse is sad about losing her virginity, Gay Friend is obviously gay, Slutty Friend is Frenching a cop. So on and so forth.

Sebastian meets up with Carrie at the pool and still isn't Chord Overstreet. For whatever reason The Jens are at the pool, and agree that Donna LeDonna will be so pissed. Most importantly, Carrie starts her titular Diaries. She finally walks through New York in a dress that is too sparkly for us to discern whether or not this is a dream, but this is certainly nowhere close to reality.

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Carrie Diaries

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