Dorrit, enraged, goes to the pet store and looks at a hamster. I'm sure this will come into play later. That night, Carrie snoops in her dad's "confidential files," which he keeps at home in a closet real confidential-like. Carrie accesses the Private Legal Information and discovers that Sebastian got kicked out of his last school for having sex with his Art History Teacher. The verdict: guilty. The sentence: like, a million high-fives.

Mouse is meeting up with that Seth guy who burned her a couple episodes ago and I don't think I care. I'm also not really caring about Maggie going around her room throwing out things from Walt and finding a slutty dress for Mouse to wear to meet Seth. Maggie calls Carrie and in the midst of a Sex and the City standby, (going through closets and evaluating the pieces within), Carrie discovers the hamster in Dorrit's closet. In the third plotline we couldn't care less about, Dorrit got that hamster and named it Morrissey ("like the lead singer of The Smiths" for all you non-'80s kids out there).

Dorrit uses her intel about Carrie's date with Sebastian as leverage to keep the shoplifted hamster. Carrie meets Sebastian in a park, where they wear headphones and kiss to "Who's Gonna Drive You Home." Carrie stupidly asks Sebastian where he learned to kiss like that and he tells her he had a good teacher. Zing. Carrie rips her headphones off and runs away, an over-dramatic habit that only serves to stretch out this storyline.

Carrie goes with Mouse to meet Seth, because she couldn't get far enough away from her Vili Fualaau back home. Seth is a total hottie with a naughty body, and somehow he and Mouse get dragged along on another one of Larissa's Wild New York Adventures with Carrie. This time they're going to Franklin Furnace, home of cutting-edge performance art. The art is a porn star showing her vagina. Yiiiiikes.

Double yiiiiikes, Morrisey got out of his box when Dorrit left it open to decorate the lid. Meanwhile, Maggie destroys a giant stuffed animal, not filled with drugs, from Walt. And in the next scene over, Carrie's dad, whose name might be Tony, meets with his oily New York lawyer friend who wants to take him to a singles bar.