Century City
Love & Games

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Six Billion Dollar Eye

This show stinks like a pair of armored trousers after the Hundred Years' War, and you know, I actually feel physical pain when I think of having to recap another episode after turning one in a mere two days ago. The pain sort of starts in my legs as a dull throb when I walk to the VCR to shove the tape in. By the time it slithers up to my stomach it's a sharp, sick-making sensation that makes it really hard to keep anything down. But I'll try -- for you, I'll try.

Hector walks in with two worried-looking parents and Zachary Ty Bryan, who has dropped the "Ty" since his "Tool Time" years. Hector exposits that Horatio is over "at the draft tying up some loose ends." The parents freak that there are any "loose ends" to "tie up" since "it's starting now." ZTB tells Pops to chill, since Los Angeles already gave him a promise ring.

Draft. Horatio Jerry Maguires all over the place, trying to get some team, ANY TEAM, to take his client. The reason why ZTB is an untouchable in the majors is his bionic eye -- it violates league rules. Horatio argues that the eye doesn't make him stronger or faster, but GMs argue that it makes the kid bionic and they don't like that. Horatio's dressed a little better tonight, in a dark suit, mauve shirt, and darker mauve tie. I'm convinced he shops at Pink. We hear ESPN announcers -- or, more specifically, LASN announcers -- talking up the draft as we go inside some nerve-endings with doohickeys clamped on them, travel through a camera-like aperture, and come out ZTB's bionic blue eye. It's a real nail-biter as ZTB/Bionic Boy and his family sit around the set with Hector and watch team after team pass him and his eye by. Behind the scenes, Horatio keeps trying to guilt people into taking the bionic baseball player, saying if he wins the case for Bionic Boy, they'll have passed up a major league find. If he takes a Mission Statement to Kinko's at three in the morning, I'm going to throw up all over my iBook. The very last team to pick, an expansion team called the San Fernando Valley Coyotes, picks ZTB. Everyone's thrilled. At draft headquarters, some guy with his jacket slung over his shoulder passes by Horatio and says, "Kid, you did it." Wait, but where's the bottle of Coke and the dirty jersey? "Yeah, all I gotta do now is sue baseball," Horatio sighs. And the New York accent is back. I like Ioan; I think he's a great actor and I've got a bigger crush on him than I've had on any actor ever, but this St. Marcellin, Patron Saint of Cheese role is making his character exceptionally annoying for a lot of people.

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Century City

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