Bionic Baseball Case. Horatio questions a British doctor, who explains what the point of the bionic eye is. It must be hard for him not to fall into his own accent when conversing with another UK-er. The doctor talks about how she tried to counsel Bionic Boy out of his eye, but it didn't work. Maybe she's actually Australian? Doctor Undetermined Accent testifies that even though they could have given him an eye that would have allowed him to "see craters on the moon," he insisted on the parameters being set for completely normal vision. If one eye could see the craters on the moon, wouldn't that make life -- any life, I'm not just talking about professional baseball life -- really difficult? It would be hard to cross the street with one eye on oncoming traffic and the other eye watching a fish being gutted in Japan. After Judge Baseball Case tells Horatio to stop treating him like an idiot, the League's attorney has no questions. You know it's gotta be so hard for Horatio to say "Your Honor" rather than "Milord."
Another witness on the Bionic Baseball Case says he had Tommy John surgery eleven years ago when he was in high school, before he was a pitcher for the Havana Expos. Hector asks the Expos pitcher if he knows who Tommy John was. The pitcher assumes that it was the doctor who invented the procedure. What are the odds that a pro ball player wouldn't know the pertinent history of his game, particularly pertaining to his surgery. I mean, really! Because of this, Hector is forced to explain that Tommy John was a pitcher who had a forearm tendon removed and used to repair a damaged elbow tendon. Castro's pitcher says that his elbow wasn't injured in any way; his coach just said that he needed a better fastball. And it worked. And since they used "natural" tendons, it doesn't violate League rules. When the League's attorney fails to see the relevance, Hector points out that by 2003, fifty percent of pro pitchers had this surgery and now, In The Future, ninety-five percent of high school pitchers have it. Argument about "natural surgery" versus artificial devices. Hector questions banning glasses and contact lenses. Judge Bionic Baseball Case looks contemplative. Horatio smiles into his lap. Lucky lap. In oh so many ways.
Darwin the Dick is in the firm's weight room when Hannah and Battorney Manuel came to tell him that his six former assistants have banded together to sue the firm because Darwin the Dick "is an ass." "A recent Ninth Circuit ruling expanded the realm of employment discrimination and it implied that you have the right not to have an ass for an employer," Battorney Manuel improbably divulges. Ah, the Ninth Circuit and its wackiness continue even In The Future. Darwin the Dick laughs that they'll fight it. "On the basis that you're not an ass?" Battorney Manuel asks in disbelief. "No, on the basis that it's a stupid law," Darwin the Dick says, obviously acknowledging that he's a sueable ass. Hannah asks why he doesn't just stop being an ass, but Darwin the Dick doesn't think he should have to change and he still has the right to employ people. "Oh, you like being abusive, that's a good defense," Battorney Manuel sarcasms. Darwin the Dick chafes at the term "abuse," arguing, "I didn't punch anyone, I didn't slap anyone. I didn't sexually harass anyone [Ahem? Khanita? Oh, right, she's not suing him because she wasn't genetically modified to HAVE A SPINE!], I didn't assault anyone." Battorney Manuel agrees and says he just made them all miserable. "And they exercised their right to quit and get another job," Hannah adds. Battorney Manuel wonders if she means they should fight the suit. "Yes, but no. We need assistants, we need paralegals -- decent ones will be impossible to find if Darwin's personality [she looks him up and down while he looks pleased with himself] becomes a public matter," Hannah says, and adds that they're going to settle it. Battorney Manuel sticks a finger in Darwin's face and says he's going to pay for it.